24 June 2014
Is it wrong that, in the middle of Target, I started singing and chasing my 15 year old son? I mean every mother does that, right? Especially when you have the fun relationship my son and I have, you wouldn't expect the absolute look of horror cross his face as he sprinted into the men's bathroom...as if I wouldn't just stand outside and wait for him. He doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does! But alas, I gave him a break and we just shopped. I bought nothing except that the nothing I bought cost over 60 dollars! WTF! HOW does a bunch of odds and ends up costing nearly one hundred dollars? I can't even tell you what it was that I purchased, besides Pepsi, I need caffeine for my get-up-at-the-ass-crack-of-dawn job...2:30am should be when I GO TO BED, not when I have to get up! However, getting out of work at 12:30? Nice. So I can come home, put on WILL AND GRACE reruns and fall asleep and neglect the son I had so much FUN humiliating in Target! YAY! Life? It has it's moments.
07 January 2014
Call of the Wild
http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vredm
The above link takes you to a story from a photographer about when he "met" a female lion in the wild and it reminded me of a story of my own.
In Wisconsin there's this wild life park called Wildwood...here's a link to their site, if you're ever up there you have to check it out.
http://www.wildwoodwildlifepark.com/
So I was married and our son was only about 5 years old, we went up to my parent's cottage in Minocqua, Wisconsin and there's this lovely place called Wildwood. It's a place you go where deer and goats roam free and they have other animals in cages like a sort of zoo. Anyway my favourite land animals are the big cats, especially tigers. There was one regular tiger and a white tiger in a cage together. I went by myself (my son had his daddy over by the swamp looking for frogs and snakes and stuff so ick) to check out the tigers. There's a bench a few yards away so I sat there. I kept thinking how beautiful they were, how glorious, how they should be out in the wild and free but then I thought they're both so beautiful it would be a shame if they were in the wild and they got shot which, these days, is likelier than them not being shot, and how horrible that would be. I kept thinking the white one looked so much like my cat Thomas, who's all white and beautiful. I was thinking all of this for about five minutes or so when all of a sudden the white one got up and came over to the bars of the cage. If you got up to the enclosure you'd definitely be able to put your hand through and pet the tigers, or get your hand bitten off, one of the two. So the white cat is looking straight at me, I'm the ONLY PERSON AROUND, the only one on the bench, the only one in the entire vicinity so he was definitely looking at me. I waved to him and told him how beautiful he was, he started rubbing his face up against the bars of the enclosure in that way all cats of every size do and then he'd look back at me. I kept telling him he's so magnificent, that he should be running free and not caged and he kept rubbing up against the bars. Then he went over to his cagemate, he looked at me as if he were making sure I was watching which of course I was then he pounced on the poor sleeping tiger. I laughed 'cos it was like a cartoon come to life in it's silliness. Of course the sleeping tiger was less than amused so he swatted at the white tiger. The white tiger and he wrestled a bit, playing, the white tiger threw his head back and ROARED...now until that moment I had never heard a tiger or any big cat actually ROAR in person, I could feel the roar in my very bones. They wrestled a bit more and when they stopped the white tiger looked back over at me, again it seemed to be because he wanted to make sure I was watching which of course I was so again he pounced on his friend. I couldn't help but laugh because he was being such a clown! They rolled around, they roared ROARED and ROARED and slapped at each other. The golden tiger got thrown into their pool by my white tiger and when that happened I swear the white tiger looked straight at me and grinned. I saw fang. And then he came back over to the cage bars and rubbed up against them. I told him he's so beautiful and fierce and truly the king of the world, apparently he liked the sound of that 'cos he rolled over onto his back and "pawed" the bars whilst looking at me. This went on for about 20 minutes from beginning to end, he'd play with his friend (ie: torment him) and then he'd come over and look at me with his beautiful blue eyes and brush up against the bars or roll over and "paw" the air or bars. He was definitely not performing for me in the sense of he's not a circus animal ( I loathe the circus and never, ever go nor do I allow my son to go) but he was communicating with me. I felt it in my soul. We bonded, there was a definite bond between us, puny human totally in love with a fierce, beautiful, proud male white tiger. He was truly breath-taking and for 20 minutes, he was MINE and I was HIS. This was 10 years ago now but every single time I think about him and those 20 minutes it makes me so happy inside, so glad that I experienced that and so thrilled that it was just him and I. After that 20 minutes were over another family came over and started being noisy and pointing at the tigers, my white tiger gave me one last look and went back to his friend, laid down and went to sleep. Whatever bond we shared was broken, the moment was over and I was fine with that.
Funny thing? Nobody seemed to have heard the roaring and it was so loud I'd have thought people here in Chicago could have heard it.
I will never forget those tigers, my beautiful boy, and I wish I could get back up there but my parents have sold the cottage and it's a 6.5 hour ride....lol Anyway I carry that experience with me, in my heart and soul, and I will for the rest of my life. I consider those 20 minutes to be among the very best of my entire life.
The above link takes you to a story from a photographer about when he "met" a female lion in the wild and it reminded me of a story of my own.
In Wisconsin there's this wild life park called Wildwood...here's a link to their site, if you're ever up there you have to check it out.
http://www.wildwoodwildlifepark.com/
So I was married and our son was only about 5 years old, we went up to my parent's cottage in Minocqua, Wisconsin and there's this lovely place called Wildwood. It's a place you go where deer and goats roam free and they have other animals in cages like a sort of zoo. Anyway my favourite land animals are the big cats, especially tigers. There was one regular tiger and a white tiger in a cage together. I went by myself (my son had his daddy over by the swamp looking for frogs and snakes and stuff so ick) to check out the tigers. There's a bench a few yards away so I sat there. I kept thinking how beautiful they were, how glorious, how they should be out in the wild and free but then I thought they're both so beautiful it would be a shame if they were in the wild and they got shot which, these days, is likelier than them not being shot, and how horrible that would be. I kept thinking the white one looked so much like my cat Thomas, who's all white and beautiful. I was thinking all of this for about five minutes or so when all of a sudden the white one got up and came over to the bars of the cage. If you got up to the enclosure you'd definitely be able to put your hand through and pet the tigers, or get your hand bitten off, one of the two. So the white cat is looking straight at me, I'm the ONLY PERSON AROUND, the only one on the bench, the only one in the entire vicinity so he was definitely looking at me. I waved to him and told him how beautiful he was, he started rubbing his face up against the bars of the enclosure in that way all cats of every size do and then he'd look back at me. I kept telling him he's so magnificent, that he should be running free and not caged and he kept rubbing up against the bars. Then he went over to his cagemate, he looked at me as if he were making sure I was watching which of course I was then he pounced on the poor sleeping tiger. I laughed 'cos it was like a cartoon come to life in it's silliness. Of course the sleeping tiger was less than amused so he swatted at the white tiger. The white tiger and he wrestled a bit, playing, the white tiger threw his head back and ROARED...now until that moment I had never heard a tiger or any big cat actually ROAR in person, I could feel the roar in my very bones. They wrestled a bit more and when they stopped the white tiger looked back over at me, again it seemed to be because he wanted to make sure I was watching which of course I was so again he pounced on his friend. I couldn't help but laugh because he was being such a clown! They rolled around, they roared ROARED and ROARED and slapped at each other. The golden tiger got thrown into their pool by my white tiger and when that happened I swear the white tiger looked straight at me and grinned. I saw fang. And then he came back over to the cage bars and rubbed up against them. I told him he's so beautiful and fierce and truly the king of the world, apparently he liked the sound of that 'cos he rolled over onto his back and "pawed" the bars whilst looking at me. This went on for about 20 minutes from beginning to end, he'd play with his friend (ie: torment him) and then he'd come over and look at me with his beautiful blue eyes and brush up against the bars or roll over and "paw" the air or bars. He was definitely not performing for me in the sense of he's not a circus animal ( I loathe the circus and never, ever go nor do I allow my son to go) but he was communicating with me. I felt it in my soul. We bonded, there was a definite bond between us, puny human totally in love with a fierce, beautiful, proud male white tiger. He was truly breath-taking and for 20 minutes, he was MINE and I was HIS. This was 10 years ago now but every single time I think about him and those 20 minutes it makes me so happy inside, so glad that I experienced that and so thrilled that it was just him and I. After that 20 minutes were over another family came over and started being noisy and pointing at the tigers, my white tiger gave me one last look and went back to his friend, laid down and went to sleep. Whatever bond we shared was broken, the moment was over and I was fine with that.
Funny thing? Nobody seemed to have heard the roaring and it was so loud I'd have thought people here in Chicago could have heard it.
I will never forget those tigers, my beautiful boy, and I wish I could get back up there but my parents have sold the cottage and it's a 6.5 hour ride....lol Anyway I carry that experience with me, in my heart and soul, and I will for the rest of my life. I consider those 20 minutes to be among the very best of my entire life.
25 September 2013
MUSIC...can't live without it.
I used to be so narrow-minded when it came to music when I was young..I liked certain bands, certain types of music and had no respect for other types. How blind I was back then. My mind was just closed to so many things when I was a teen, I was so into what I was into that I simply could not see beyond my three bands, Duran Duran, Depeche Mode and Spandau Ballet. Now don't get me wrong, I still listen to those bands, heavily, but these days my iPod is home to many different sorts of music. I have everything from 80's pop to today's pop in the form of Justin Timberlake (have mad love for that boy), country to classical, 80's heavy metal to the softer tones of Dido and Sarah McLachlan. I have Salt N Peppa and Beastie Boys and Poe and Nitzer Ebb and Ministry and Pitbull and Bruno Mars (again, mad love for this boy as well). My son is 15 in a few weeks and thankfully 2 of the most important bands in my life, Duran and DM, he loves, and he's discovered a very few other bands through my obsession but for the most part....? He's just as tunnel visioned as I used to be at that age. Maybe he'll grow out of it, he probably will because I see the obsession beginning in him for music, but for right now Depeche Mode is his obsession. We just went and saw them live last month, I love having that to share with my son because he is my world and we both adore some Mode. I think, no wait...I KNOW...my son is the biggest Mode fan on earth, he knows way more about them than I do...anyway he's been to three Duran gigs and two DM gigs...he's a lucky kid. His first gig was, as mine was nearly 30 years ago, Duran Duran back in 2005, he'd just turned 7 and had to stand on the chair behind me the entire show. At the end of the first time we saw them John Taylor pointed to him and gave him a thumbs up and the biggest JOHN TAYLOR SMILE EVER! I'm still jealous about that...fast forward to last year when we went to meet John at the book signing for his autobiog here in Chicago..he was so nice...to my son. ::insert eyeroll:: I'm happy he was so warm with my son, so STAND-UP-AND-SHAKE-HIS-HAND and all that..but hello? Fan for over 30 years here..the reason you're shaking this kids hand...standing right here with a pounding heart and eyes I'm sure were as big as dinner plates *John Taylor is sublime in person as he is not in any photo ever taken*. OK maybe I was babbling but still, oh well what am I bitching about, I got my signature and he was uber nice to my kid...life is good. Now lets go back to my son's second Duran Duran show....we had 11th row center, at the end of the show when they guys were waving goodbye what happens? Simon Lebon...my personal God...points out my son, waves and makes his entire year. UGH! HELLO SIMON! I'm RIGHT HERE LOVING YOU STILL AFTER ALL THESE YEARS! Little brat that kid of mine right? No more Duran shows for him. lol For the last Depeche Mode show...here's how much he loves DM. We could have gone backstage because my ex father in law works security at the venue where they played, but he was too nervous to do this so he missed out. I'm disappointed because it was probably the only chance he'll ever have to meet his music heroes, especially Martin Gore, and he was too afraid. He's still knocked out over meeting John Taylor! So yeah it's great to share some of my music with my kid and this has gotten way off the track...
So music, yeah, boy has my tastes changed over the past few years. I can listen to anything and enjoy it if it's done well. I am still in awe that I have country music on my iPod, I totally blame the show Nashville for this btw, I got and am still so hooked on that show and the music was so fantastic that I branched out. I own 3 Lady Antebellum albums. Me. I also have recently discovered an adorable British kid who does American Country music nearly as well as Johnny Cash did called Jake Bugg, can't stop listening to his debut album. His sound is very old school country to my ears. I have yet to download my beloved Johnny Cash however, how strange is that? I've loved him since I was a wee lass, maybe 3 years old? I grew up listening to him. I need to rectify this asap.
For me music is one of the most important things in the world. Without music my soul would be lacking something, it would be starved because music feeds me, my soul. I love it when I get lost in a song whether it be the music or the lyrics (I'm really a lyric junkie) when I am able to let go and be completely sucked in by music I'm at my happiest. The last couple of days I've been listening to Duran Duran non-stop and there are times, plugged into my iPod, my headphones on, I'll hear a Duran song and it...it makes me stop everything. I sit here, eyes closed, skin goose pimpling and tears gathering and suddenly I'm 14 again, in my bedroom alone. I love the music of Duran Duran, I always have and I obviously always will (sorry mum, you were wrong, I never did grow out of Duran Duran like you swore I would), and sure they're a bunch of beautiful men but that's not enough for me to stay such an avid fan, no the music has got to be there for me. There is something about Simon Lebon's voice that can and does bring me to my knees, certain songs that I'll listen to when I only hear Simon's voice and it breaks something in me...in a good way! A few weeks ago my son and I were coming home from the store and THE MAN WHO STOLE A LEOPARD came on, now this is a relatively new song off their last fantastic album so it's not a nostalgic thing in that sense but there was just something about Simon's voice, the sound he makes when he sings, I instantly know when it's him singing and his voice makes my soul swell with love. It's hard to understand how someone can truly love someone they don't know but yes, I love Simon Lebon and Duran Duran. I care about them, what happens to them and I want them all safe and healthy and happy in this world. It matters to me. When Simon lost his voice a bit ago it scared me down to my very soul, seriously and yes some of it was because I cannot imagine a world in which Simon Lebon does not sing but I was much more worried about HIM, his health. I've got Duran music, I'll never not have his voice whenever I want to hear it, but him being healthy is different. Now I promise you all I've totally grown out of the whole wanting to marry Simon Lebon (I actually adore his wife Yasmin just a smidgen more than Simon lol), the emotions I have for him and the rest of the band are a part of who I am now. At one time, back in my teen years, I used to write some steamy love scenes with these men but now? I'd just love to sit down with any of them and have a long conversation about life or anything with them. I think I've grown up...yeeks! It's the sorta the same with Depeche Mode and Spandau Ballet as well, I love them beyond the pinup days of years gone by, I love them because they've become a part of who I am. Back in Dave Gahan's druggy days I literally had to distance myself from the band I was so afraid he was going to die and I could not watch that happen. I completely ignored the entire SOFAD tour, I refused to see him all drugged up and dying bit-by-bit. When I think of living in a world that does not have Dave Gahan in it it causes pain, an empty hole inside of me that his existence fills. He's had some medical scares in the past few years that nearly did my head in...but seeing him so healthy last month...well it goes deeper than watching him twirl or grab his cock lets just say that ok? I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding the second I saw him on that stage, healthy and happy and exactly where he belongs. And with Spandau Ballet...well that whole them hating each other thing and suing each other and all that shit, I'm glad it's over because it sucked seeing how it hurt them all whether or not they tried to pretend it didn't. They're horrible liars. I never got to see them live back in the day but the reunion tour back in 2009 was not only my excuse to go to the one place in the world I honestly feel I belong and had been dreaming of going to my entire life (England) but to see Spandau Ballet live, in front of my eyes, from front row....well it'll be one of those things I'll reminisce about on my deathbed I promise you that. Hearing Steve Norman do that sax solo during TRUE...goosebumps right now remembering it...it was an honour to be there for that, to hear that song and Through the Barricades and all the other songs I'd been dying for nearly 30 years to hear done live! Those three bands have fed my soul for a very long time, nearly my entire life, and I cannot ever see how I could live without them and their music.
A lot of people like to say music has gone to hell these days and to a point I totally agree. With the likes of Justin Bieber, One Direction and all that shit music it's a grim world out there musically speaking...however if you just dig, if you just hunt a little bit, you find gems among the shit. Gems like Jake Bugg, like White Lies and Bat For Lashes, Stellastarr* and most especially my muchly beloved Editors. Editors are right up there with the TRIO, their music is sublime and feeds my soul and takes me away from the harsh reality of life when I need it to. There are band out there, artists out there, making really good music, these are just a very few examples. Even some of the big names like Alicia Keyes are fantastic and if the girl would put her big dirty tongue back in her mouth, Miley has so much talent it's not even funny. If only she'd grow up and realize being naked and whorish does not make you an adult...but I'm not holding my breath for this to happen any time soon, the industry chewed her up as a child, spit her out as an adult and now she's floundering and heading down that same path others before her created. It's sad 'cos that girl has a beautiful voice. Anyway music today isn't what it was and I honestly believe the early 90z with the whole grunge movement was the last great generation of good music, back then there was actual talent out there, going about their fame the hard way, the way it should be, by working hard, gigging around and getting your music out there and not by being cute, cute only gets you so far. So yeah, music is out there, good music, worthy of listening to and purchasing but you're going to have to dig for it so get digging!
So music, yeah, boy has my tastes changed over the past few years. I can listen to anything and enjoy it if it's done well. I am still in awe that I have country music on my iPod, I totally blame the show Nashville for this btw, I got and am still so hooked on that show and the music was so fantastic that I branched out. I own 3 Lady Antebellum albums. Me. I also have recently discovered an adorable British kid who does American Country music nearly as well as Johnny Cash did called Jake Bugg, can't stop listening to his debut album. His sound is very old school country to my ears. I have yet to download my beloved Johnny Cash however, how strange is that? I've loved him since I was a wee lass, maybe 3 years old? I grew up listening to him. I need to rectify this asap.
For me music is one of the most important things in the world. Without music my soul would be lacking something, it would be starved because music feeds me, my soul. I love it when I get lost in a song whether it be the music or the lyrics (I'm really a lyric junkie) when I am able to let go and be completely sucked in by music I'm at my happiest. The last couple of days I've been listening to Duran Duran non-stop and there are times, plugged into my iPod, my headphones on, I'll hear a Duran song and it...it makes me stop everything. I sit here, eyes closed, skin goose pimpling and tears gathering and suddenly I'm 14 again, in my bedroom alone. I love the music of Duran Duran, I always have and I obviously always will (sorry mum, you were wrong, I never did grow out of Duran Duran like you swore I would), and sure they're a bunch of beautiful men but that's not enough for me to stay such an avid fan, no the music has got to be there for me. There is something about Simon Lebon's voice that can and does bring me to my knees, certain songs that I'll listen to when I only hear Simon's voice and it breaks something in me...in a good way! A few weeks ago my son and I were coming home from the store and THE MAN WHO STOLE A LEOPARD came on, now this is a relatively new song off their last fantastic album so it's not a nostalgic thing in that sense but there was just something about Simon's voice, the sound he makes when he sings, I instantly know when it's him singing and his voice makes my soul swell with love. It's hard to understand how someone can truly love someone they don't know but yes, I love Simon Lebon and Duran Duran. I care about them, what happens to them and I want them all safe and healthy and happy in this world. It matters to me. When Simon lost his voice a bit ago it scared me down to my very soul, seriously and yes some of it was because I cannot imagine a world in which Simon Lebon does not sing but I was much more worried about HIM, his health. I've got Duran music, I'll never not have his voice whenever I want to hear it, but him being healthy is different. Now I promise you all I've totally grown out of the whole wanting to marry Simon Lebon (I actually adore his wife Yasmin just a smidgen more than Simon lol), the emotions I have for him and the rest of the band are a part of who I am now. At one time, back in my teen years, I used to write some steamy love scenes with these men but now? I'd just love to sit down with any of them and have a long conversation about life or anything with them. I think I've grown up...yeeks! It's the sorta the same with Depeche Mode and Spandau Ballet as well, I love them beyond the pinup days of years gone by, I love them because they've become a part of who I am. Back in Dave Gahan's druggy days I literally had to distance myself from the band I was so afraid he was going to die and I could not watch that happen. I completely ignored the entire SOFAD tour, I refused to see him all drugged up and dying bit-by-bit. When I think of living in a world that does not have Dave Gahan in it it causes pain, an empty hole inside of me that his existence fills. He's had some medical scares in the past few years that nearly did my head in...but seeing him so healthy last month...well it goes deeper than watching him twirl or grab his cock lets just say that ok? I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding the second I saw him on that stage, healthy and happy and exactly where he belongs. And with Spandau Ballet...well that whole them hating each other thing and suing each other and all that shit, I'm glad it's over because it sucked seeing how it hurt them all whether or not they tried to pretend it didn't. They're horrible liars. I never got to see them live back in the day but the reunion tour back in 2009 was not only my excuse to go to the one place in the world I honestly feel I belong and had been dreaming of going to my entire life (England) but to see Spandau Ballet live, in front of my eyes, from front row....well it'll be one of those things I'll reminisce about on my deathbed I promise you that. Hearing Steve Norman do that sax solo during TRUE...goosebumps right now remembering it...it was an honour to be there for that, to hear that song and Through the Barricades and all the other songs I'd been dying for nearly 30 years to hear done live! Those three bands have fed my soul for a very long time, nearly my entire life, and I cannot ever see how I could live without them and their music.
A lot of people like to say music has gone to hell these days and to a point I totally agree. With the likes of Justin Bieber, One Direction and all that shit music it's a grim world out there musically speaking...however if you just dig, if you just hunt a little bit, you find gems among the shit. Gems like Jake Bugg, like White Lies and Bat For Lashes, Stellastarr* and most especially my muchly beloved Editors. Editors are right up there with the TRIO, their music is sublime and feeds my soul and takes me away from the harsh reality of life when I need it to. There are band out there, artists out there, making really good music, these are just a very few examples. Even some of the big names like Alicia Keyes are fantastic and if the girl would put her big dirty tongue back in her mouth, Miley has so much talent it's not even funny. If only she'd grow up and realize being naked and whorish does not make you an adult...but I'm not holding my breath for this to happen any time soon, the industry chewed her up as a child, spit her out as an adult and now she's floundering and heading down that same path others before her created. It's sad 'cos that girl has a beautiful voice. Anyway music today isn't what it was and I honestly believe the early 90z with the whole grunge movement was the last great generation of good music, back then there was actual talent out there, going about their fame the hard way, the way it should be, by working hard, gigging around and getting your music out there and not by being cute, cute only gets you so far. So yeah, music is out there, good music, worthy of listening to and purchasing but you're going to have to dig for it so get digging!
05 September 2013
My Head, My Heart, My Gut...a girl's vision of war.
I'm completely torn over this entire Syria thing, seriously confused. I go back and forth on a daily basis between supporting it and not, sometimes many times in one day. Usually I'm able to see things like this for what they are, I'm not quite sure what's different about this one but there IS something different. Here's the breakdown...
THE HEAD:
Ok of course my head is screaming NO to war. I mean what sort of person is ok with sending strangers out into the war to kill and possibly be killed? It's one thing to sit and watch on television things happening in some middle east country, and it's one thing to know American soldiers are out there...I guess until/unless it's your child out there, your husband/wife, your brother or sister, you just don't appreciate everything they do, what they give up. I only can appreciate it via history, knowing my Grandpa was a WW2 hero (the captured U-Boat, the U505, he was part of that. I have the photos of it, of him standing on it) and even though he's really my step-grandfather, my life would have been LESS were he not here, if he would have been killed. He came damned close to dying, the first ship he was on was hit and sunk, he floated in the Atlantic for quite a long time before being rescued. He lost most of the hearing in his one ear from sea water getting in there and causing a massive infection. For me the thought of my hero, the man who hung the moon, floating around in that huge ocean where sharks live and were feasting on the less fortunate...it makes me have heart palpitations and not in that "James Purefoy was naked in ROME" sort of way either. It makes my eyes tear up, it gives me that squishy-in-the-guts feeling. My grandpa was my world, my childhood would have been a disaster without him. I wouldn't be here were it not for him because the things I had to survive...well I'm getting off course here. Anyway...so yes my head says NO to war. War is never good, it should never be an answer to anything. There should always be ways around going to war. It's one thing to go to war if your country has been attacked, of course you cannot just let that happen, of course you have to answer that act of aggression with an act of aggression that teaches the original aggressor who's boss. WW2, we got bombed so we got into it...Pearl Harbor. Of course I always have wondered if we would have gotten into WW2 when we knew what Hitler was up to, even just a hint, how many people wouldn't have been tortured and slaughtered just for being Jewish? For supporting someone who's Jewish? Polish? Gypsy? A free-thinker? Well we'll never know. It's easy to look BACK and say we should have gone in earlier, but back then I'm not convinced the President knew to the extent what was going on in Europe, had he known I believe he would have done something. I've seen many programs on WW2 and Hitler that I know our troops were utterly shocked beyond belief when they did walk into those first few concentration camps at what they saw, at the conditions, at the death staring them in the eyes. I thank god my Grandpa was in the Navy and not on the ground, that he never went into one of those concentration camps. My son's great grandparents were "guests" at a concentration camp for a couple of years, for nothing more than being Polish and being part of the Polish Army. I cannot imagine what they saw, my heart has always bled for them. I believe that President Obama is worried that another Holocaust is happening in Syria, we know for sure people have been killed using chemical warfare. That's always been the red line in the sand, for the world, but my head still tells me NO WAR. Let them deal with it, let them rise up and fight and overcome this evil Assad the Dictator.
However....
THE HEART:
My heart, oh it bleeds for the Syrian people. The horrific photo's of dead babies and children will haunt me just as deeply as the photo's of the dead Jewish people back in WW2. They will follow me all my days on this earth. How mankind can be so cruel to each other, especially to innocent children, well it scars my soul. My heart wants us to help these people, these men, women and children that are being slaughtered and I am incredibly afraid that this IS the beginning of another holocaust. If we don't do it, if we don't go help these people, who will? Someone HAS to help them! If this were happening here, if our children were dying in the dirt because an evil man made the decision to gas them and we weren't the powerful nation that we are, wouldn't we want someone out there to come here and help us? Help our children? Our people? My heart wants us out there yesterday gathering the orphaned children, make sure they get the help they need and maybe the family as well. We have a huge heart here in America. It's what we do. But there is history, 9/11, Iraq, Afghanistan, being lied to by the former regime of Bush and Cheney, 2 wars that went on for to damned long, one that is still going on...America is war weary and while our hearts scream for justice for these people, for these children, we also want our service men and women safe. They have fought hard, long and enough. See even when it comes to the heart, the head gets involved. That's never a bad thing to be honest.
I do trust the President, I believe he would never get us involved in something that was unnecessary, that he'd never lie to get his way, but.....but.....see my problem? We know for certain that chemical warfare was used on the Syrian people, the tests of dirt prove it, and that makes me angry. But there is just something in my guts that tell me not this one, not this one, not now and not this one. I think it's the threat of Russia and Iran and possibly China getting involved and not in a "lets support America" way either and that scares me to the soul. Especially China. America is great, our armed forces are second to none...well OK maybe to China and that's my problem. The Chinese army is massive, and trained in a way that gives me nightmares. This could be the beginning of the end of everything. I want President Obama to tell me that China will not get involved, that Russia isn't the power they were back in the day, that we can do what needs to be done and that's it. But life doesn't come with guarantees does it? You're damned if you do and damned if you don't and this time being damned could be literally. I always panic and think END OF THE WORLD but it scares me. I didn't bring my beloved son into this world to be part of the end of it. He has a bright future ahead of him, he's just begun high school, he's coming into his own and he has grandiose plans for his life and the determination to make them all come to pass...he should have that chance. Especially when you understand the trust he has in the President.
In the end it's not my decision, in the end I think President Obama will do what has to be done and vocally I'll support him and who knows, maybe both my head and heart will agree, but as of right now? I'm warring within myself.
THE HEAD:
Ok of course my head is screaming NO to war. I mean what sort of person is ok with sending strangers out into the war to kill and possibly be killed? It's one thing to sit and watch on television things happening in some middle east country, and it's one thing to know American soldiers are out there...I guess until/unless it's your child out there, your husband/wife, your brother or sister, you just don't appreciate everything they do, what they give up. I only can appreciate it via history, knowing my Grandpa was a WW2 hero (the captured U-Boat, the U505, he was part of that. I have the photos of it, of him standing on it) and even though he's really my step-grandfather, my life would have been LESS were he not here, if he would have been killed. He came damned close to dying, the first ship he was on was hit and sunk, he floated in the Atlantic for quite a long time before being rescued. He lost most of the hearing in his one ear from sea water getting in there and causing a massive infection. For me the thought of my hero, the man who hung the moon, floating around in that huge ocean where sharks live and were feasting on the less fortunate...it makes me have heart palpitations and not in that "James Purefoy was naked in ROME" sort of way either. It makes my eyes tear up, it gives me that squishy-in-the-guts feeling. My grandpa was my world, my childhood would have been a disaster without him. I wouldn't be here were it not for him because the things I had to survive...well I'm getting off course here. Anyway...so yes my head says NO to war. War is never good, it should never be an answer to anything. There should always be ways around going to war. It's one thing to go to war if your country has been attacked, of course you cannot just let that happen, of course you have to answer that act of aggression with an act of aggression that teaches the original aggressor who's boss. WW2, we got bombed so we got into it...Pearl Harbor. Of course I always have wondered if we would have gotten into WW2 when we knew what Hitler was up to, even just a hint, how many people wouldn't have been tortured and slaughtered just for being Jewish? For supporting someone who's Jewish? Polish? Gypsy? A free-thinker? Well we'll never know. It's easy to look BACK and say we should have gone in earlier, but back then I'm not convinced the President knew to the extent what was going on in Europe, had he known I believe he would have done something. I've seen many programs on WW2 and Hitler that I know our troops were utterly shocked beyond belief when they did walk into those first few concentration camps at what they saw, at the conditions, at the death staring them in the eyes. I thank god my Grandpa was in the Navy and not on the ground, that he never went into one of those concentration camps. My son's great grandparents were "guests" at a concentration camp for a couple of years, for nothing more than being Polish and being part of the Polish Army. I cannot imagine what they saw, my heart has always bled for them. I believe that President Obama is worried that another Holocaust is happening in Syria, we know for sure people have been killed using chemical warfare. That's always been the red line in the sand, for the world, but my head still tells me NO WAR. Let them deal with it, let them rise up and fight and overcome this evil Assad the Dictator.
However....
THE HEART:
My heart, oh it bleeds for the Syrian people. The horrific photo's of dead babies and children will haunt me just as deeply as the photo's of the dead Jewish people back in WW2. They will follow me all my days on this earth. How mankind can be so cruel to each other, especially to innocent children, well it scars my soul. My heart wants us to help these people, these men, women and children that are being slaughtered and I am incredibly afraid that this IS the beginning of another holocaust. If we don't do it, if we don't go help these people, who will? Someone HAS to help them! If this were happening here, if our children were dying in the dirt because an evil man made the decision to gas them and we weren't the powerful nation that we are, wouldn't we want someone out there to come here and help us? Help our children? Our people? My heart wants us out there yesterday gathering the orphaned children, make sure they get the help they need and maybe the family as well. We have a huge heart here in America. It's what we do. But there is history, 9/11, Iraq, Afghanistan, being lied to by the former regime of Bush and Cheney, 2 wars that went on for to damned long, one that is still going on...America is war weary and while our hearts scream for justice for these people, for these children, we also want our service men and women safe. They have fought hard, long and enough. See even when it comes to the heart, the head gets involved. That's never a bad thing to be honest.
I do trust the President, I believe he would never get us involved in something that was unnecessary, that he'd never lie to get his way, but.....but.....see my problem? We know for certain that chemical warfare was used on the Syrian people, the tests of dirt prove it, and that makes me angry. But there is just something in my guts that tell me not this one, not this one, not now and not this one. I think it's the threat of Russia and Iran and possibly China getting involved and not in a "lets support America" way either and that scares me to the soul. Especially China. America is great, our armed forces are second to none...well OK maybe to China and that's my problem. The Chinese army is massive, and trained in a way that gives me nightmares. This could be the beginning of the end of everything. I want President Obama to tell me that China will not get involved, that Russia isn't the power they were back in the day, that we can do what needs to be done and that's it. But life doesn't come with guarantees does it? You're damned if you do and damned if you don't and this time being damned could be literally. I always panic and think END OF THE WORLD but it scares me. I didn't bring my beloved son into this world to be part of the end of it. He has a bright future ahead of him, he's just begun high school, he's coming into his own and he has grandiose plans for his life and the determination to make them all come to pass...he should have that chance. Especially when you understand the trust he has in the President.
In the end it's not my decision, in the end I think President Obama will do what has to be done and vocally I'll support him and who knows, maybe both my head and heart will agree, but as of right now? I'm warring within myself.
14 December 2012
14 December 2012
21st December 2012 was supposed to be the end of the world for all of us but today in Newtown CT the end came a week early for 20 families. Today a 24 year old man went into his mother's classroom, a kindergarten classroom, and slaughtered 20 children, his mother, 6 other adults and then himself. This man had a gun that nobody outside of the military should have a chance to own, that shoots up to 100 rounds per SECOND, wore a mask and a bullet proof vest, was allowed into a school somehow and ended so many little lives. The agony the parents are experiencing this evening has got to be unbearable, I cry just at the thought of the grief, pain and anger they're going through. The sights of so many small children being taken home by relieved and horrified parents, their frightened and confused little faces, will haunt me for the rest of my life. These babies should have been safe, they were supposed to be safe because this school had protocol for situations like this and thank god they did, the mind cringes from the thought of how many more would have died if those protocols had not been practiced and in place.
The mother in me wanted to go immediately to my son's school this afternoon, take him home, wrap him in magical bubble wrap and put him under his bed where it's safe. OF course I didn't do any of that, I waited for him to come home, for my nearly six foot tall 14 year old to take me in his arms so I could cry for children I'll never know and for parents who have just lost reason. When I looked up into my son's face, his handsome, maturing face, I realised that it is honestly only by the grace of god that this has never happened to him or the school he attends or kids he knew. Why that school and not one around here? Why one kid and not another? Why, Why, Why. That's all we're left with right now. I am just grateful that my son is alive, hanging out in a park with his mates, goofin' on each other and having kid fun.
The shooter wanted to hurt his mother, that much is clear, and he was learning disabled. Can someone please explain to me how he was able to purchase a gun like that? Ammo like that? WHY are people in this silly assed country allowed to own such things? When will we learn? When will we make things change so our kids don't have to worry that someone could come into their classroom and kill them? How many more parents, mothers and fathers, will have to grieve the loss of a child due to gun violence? That any children were killed but that 20 were slaughtered is unforgivable. It is time for much stricter gun laws, gun control, including such a screening procedure before you can purchase a gun that they know how often you go to the bathroom much less if you've had a history of mental illness or anything in your past that could somehow set you off. Nobody needs a gun such as was used today, nobody that doesn't belong to a branch of military. Shit even cops don't have guns like that!
My heart and thoughts and prayers are with those in CT tonight, tomorrow and in the weeks that come. May they find strength somehow to go on, to honour those poor little ones in some way so that they did not die in vain.
The mother in me wanted to go immediately to my son's school this afternoon, take him home, wrap him in magical bubble wrap and put him under his bed where it's safe. OF course I didn't do any of that, I waited for him to come home, for my nearly six foot tall 14 year old to take me in his arms so I could cry for children I'll never know and for parents who have just lost reason. When I looked up into my son's face, his handsome, maturing face, I realised that it is honestly only by the grace of god that this has never happened to him or the school he attends or kids he knew. Why that school and not one around here? Why one kid and not another? Why, Why, Why. That's all we're left with right now. I am just grateful that my son is alive, hanging out in a park with his mates, goofin' on each other and having kid fun.
The shooter wanted to hurt his mother, that much is clear, and he was learning disabled. Can someone please explain to me how he was able to purchase a gun like that? Ammo like that? WHY are people in this silly assed country allowed to own such things? When will we learn? When will we make things change so our kids don't have to worry that someone could come into their classroom and kill them? How many more parents, mothers and fathers, will have to grieve the loss of a child due to gun violence? That any children were killed but that 20 were slaughtered is unforgivable. It is time for much stricter gun laws, gun control, including such a screening procedure before you can purchase a gun that they know how often you go to the bathroom much less if you've had a history of mental illness or anything in your past that could somehow set you off. Nobody needs a gun such as was used today, nobody that doesn't belong to a branch of military. Shit even cops don't have guns like that!
My heart and thoughts and prayers are with those in CT tonight, tomorrow and in the weeks that come. May they find strength somehow to go on, to honour those poor little ones in some way so that they did not die in vain.
07 November 2012
7th November 2012
On the morning of 6th November 2012 I woke up blurry eyed from a significant lack of sleep and dragons in my belly, I was nervous, excited, concerned and well....I was hungry. It was breakfast time. My son had the day off of school for Election Day and to get my mind off of things, AFTER I VOTED, we went to breakfast and then we went shopping a bit, just spending time together not spending money. Through all of it I was praying, and I don't do that lightly, I try not to annoy God with frivolous pleading but I'm sure he got sick of me curled up around what passes as his/her feet yesterday begging for President Obama to be re-elected! Anyway as I voted I heard people around me all talking about how they voted for Mitt Romney and I'm sorry but I just shook my head and wondered silently how they could vote against their own best interests. I live in a very working class neighbourhood, nobody is well off here, not many are even middle/middle class. Many have more than one job or are on unemployment, we're all hurting on one level or another. It's a very racially mixed neighbourhood and I started paying attention, it was NOT only the white people saying that they're voting for Romney! I seriously was without hope for a bit after that, even my son, who is extremely politically savvy and aware at 14, was utterly sickened by the way these people obviously bought into every single lie the right wing conservatives told. I began wondering if the reasoning behind voting against what is in their best interest is just a simple case of wishing they were rich enough to be Republican or was it something else? Especially the couple of women of colour who were voting for Romney. To vote for 2 men to run the country who want to take away every decision a woman should always be allowed to make is just....well it just makes no bloody sense to me!
I can honestly say now that I was scared, for my life, my liberty and my ability to do for my son as I have been. I could not imagine living in a country where men made all the decisions for my body and every woman as well. I could not imagine living in a country where rich people got richer on the backs of middle class American's and laughed and laughed. I could not imagine living in a country where the President had said such horrible things about nearly half of the population. I could not imagine living in a country where a man who lied brazenly morning, noon and night and got away with it *until those last 2 debates anyway*. I most assuredly could not imagine living in a country where I had to look at the television and saw a rich man and his rich wife looked down their noses at me and mine, trying to whither us with a steely glare. First of all I'd have gone a bit crazy 'cos Lizzy don't roll like that and really, after 8 years of Bush there was simply no way I could imagine going back to all that and getting out alive. Now I don't have to worry about those things for at least 4 more years. I can sleep at night knowing that there is a man in the White House who does care, who does do thing that will make middle class America better and who will broaden the middle class with people who were looking up, working hard and will finally make it. My son will go to University, he will succeed and he already thanks the President for this. In a bit more than a year I'll have affordable healthcare. I will be able at 47 years old have my first mammogram and get back to my gynie who I haven't seen in over 10 years now. I will be able to get moles removed that I know are either cancerous or on the brink of being cancer. I will be able to get my thyroid back under control, lose weight, exercise and have it mean something, get healthy again and not worry about having a heart attack. I will know that if I DO have a heart attack I won't be turned away for being uninsured. I will get the best care from the best hospitals and doctors. I will no longer feel like a third world citizen.
There are so many reasons to be grateful that President Obama has been re-elected, the mentioned are but a few, but I must add that I'm grateful that I will be seeing his beautiful smile for the next 4 years as well and my mad crush can continue! I look forward now and wonder who will run in 2016, on both sides. My son will register for the vote early that year, because he'll turn 18 at the end of October, because he is excited to finally be part of the process, and he will cast his vote for the person he believes in the most. It may not be the same person I'll vote for. I wanted Hillary in '08, he wanted Obama, he won and I've supported him ever since but still, to live in a country where I can vote for one person and my son for another? That's awesome! That is what this country was founded on!
I'm listening and reading some very sour grapes from the right wing and I honestly understand it all because if I have to be honest? If President Obama would have lost? I'd have unplugged myself from the net for a very long time, until I could handle their smugness. So because it went my way I understand their disappointment, I accept their sour grapes, but I cannot help and stay quiet when they say ridiculous or racist things and oh boy have I see the ugly head of racism rearing again this day! I don't understand racism and I will not stand for it, I will not be quiet when I come across it. Not for anything or anyone. I've told off family for racial insensitive or down right racist "jokes" and opinions so why would I let strangers off the hook for the same thing?
So yeah Lizzy's happy, Lizzy is no longer living on a ledge waiting to jump. Lizzy is happy and content and grateful.
21 October 2012
I'm not sure every woman born dreams of becoming a mother. I know I didn't. When I was 20 years old I found out I was pregnant, the damned condom didn't work. I wasn't too concerned about getting pregnant after my doctor told me my uterus is tilted and it would be very difficult for me to ever get pregnant. PLUS my periods were not anything nearing regular, maybe I got it three times a year? My doctor never seemed concerned so neither was I. I should have been. Of course I always used protection and even on the night I got pregnant we used a condom, but that's nowhere near 100% fool proof as everyone knows. So I was pregnant. I didn't find out until I was nearly four and a half months pregnant and my mother was pressuring me to have an abortion, not wanting me to go through what she knew was awaiting me. I have been and will always be pro-choice. I think it is every woman's right to choose what she wants to do with her own body, whether or not she wants to carry a child, whether or not she wants to get pregnant. These days it isn't called pro choice by so called pro lifers, it's called pro abortion. They couldn't be more wrong. I have lived for 45 years and I can honestly say I've never, ever even once come across a woman who thinks it's ok to just run out and have an abortion. For every woman I've ever met abortion was always the very last, nearly desperate option you make that will haunt you for the rest of your days, and especially your nights and dreams. Nobody just wakes up one day pregnant and thinks "Gee, I just don't want this baby, I'm going to go abort.", it is a decision that tears a soul apart if you let it, it stays with you even when you're utterly convinced it was the right choice. So when I was pregnant at 20 I had the right to choose, to make my choice, that nobody else could make for me, that I would have to live with for the rest of my life. I chose adoption. For me, Lizzy, I could never abort, not unless there was something really wrong with the baby and I know there are a lot of women out there who know the baby they're carrying is ill and still choose to have those children. Those women are stronger than me, and that is their CHOICE. Every woman is different, every woman in that situation comes to a conclusion after soul searching and every woman has to live forever with that choice. I have a son out there, a son who grew inside of me, kicked me, made me sicker than I care to remember, who melted my heart the second I saw his beautiful face and I never once, ever, regretted carrying him and giving him life and giving a deserving couple the joy of calling him son. Whoever his mother is, I hope these past 23 years she's found the title "Mom" to be music to her ears. I hope his father appreciated every single time he held that tiny little hand of his young son, I hope he threw a football to him when he was a kid and I hope he cried when he watched his son reach goal after goal and I pray that every time that young man has called him "Dad" he's sent up a silent thank you to whatever Powers he believes in. I loved my son when I gave him a life I could never give him, unemployed and uneducated and still living with my own Mom. I hope he's enjoyed a full life, had every opportunity for success and loves the parents who chose to love him. I had a chance to meet his parents just before the adoption but I chose not to. Not for any selfish reasons or because I was afraid I'd look for their faces in every crowd, I knew adoption was absolutely the best CHOICE for my son, but I wanted them to never have a face to put to his, that maybe they'd feel more bonded to him because they never met me. I hope I was an instrument for their happiness. I hope they're all very happy, very healthy and enjoying a wonderful life, I have to trust that they are. I hope he's got siblings to keep him company and a dog to lick his handsome face. I just know he's handsome, he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life.
So after going through all that, and I'd go through it all again if I had the CHOICE, when I got married of course we wanted to have kids right away. We married latish, I had just turned 27, I wanted our firstborn before I was 30. Isn't it hilarious how life has a way of saying "Oh just you wait and see what happens!"!? 4 years into our marriage we were still childless, we'd consulted my doctor who was beginning to push fertility treatments as a viable decision in our very near future. At the time we were living with my husband's parents, in their home, so there was the stress of that and the stress of my wanting us to move on and out and his parents being very in favour of that want, but my husband seemed rooted in place. However I did win out in the end and we bought our first place, a townhouse near his parents. I painted the entire place as he worked afternoons up until midnight so it was up to me to get the place in order and I loved every minute of it! My first place, a home to put my own personality into, my own space. If I wanted to just throw my utensils into a drawer all willy-nilly then my mother could say NOTHING because it was MY HOUSE! :) Maybe it was the joy of our first home, maybe it was the fact that there was no more stress, maybe it was just the right time and the right place but we weren't in our new home a month and I got pregnant! Now let me explain one thing, I'd completely given up hope at ever having another child. I was convinced I'd put the only child I'd ever have up for adoption and would remain childless. It was a struggle but I'd gotten used to that idea. I enjoyed the freedom that comes with being married but not having the responsibilities of a child. Of course when a woman makes that decision, when she gets that comfortable with her lot in life, the universe wakes up and says "Oh no, we cannot have that!" and throws everything into chaos.
Now obviously I'd been pregnant before so I knew the signs of being pregnant, but this time was different in that I wasn't throwing up my toes every morning. I just felt hungry all the time but the thought of actually eating anything made me want to hurl...only ever one other time I had felt like that, when I was pregnant. So I didn't tell my husband at first, I just bought a test. It was a two-fer, the test, two in one. We'd just gotten a puppy the week before, her name was Ripley and her and I did not get along! I'd never had a dog before and I didn't have a clue what to do with one after petting it for a bit, though of course I love dogs and had always wanted one. Anyway it was about five am and my husband got up to take the dog out to do her duty, she was getting to the point where she sorta knew if she licked our faces in a certain way it meant she had to go out so out she went. I figured since I was awake I may as well take the pregnancy test, I had shown my husband the night before so he knew I'd be taking it that morning. So of course it's 5am and I'm blurry eyed and unbushy tailed but when I looked at that damned test? It was positive. Not strongly positive but the instructions said even a faint cross line should be taken as a positive result. I couldn't believe my eyes so I asked my husband as he walked up the stairs with the pup, he said it was a plus sign, I was definitely pregnant. We cried of course, tears of happiness, and couldn't wait until it was a decent hour to phone our families. At seven am I caved in and woke my mother with the news she was finally, FINALLY going to be a grandma! She was crying as she told me the very day before at work she had told her friends she felt she'd never be a grandma but alas, that was not to be!
So we knew our first child was on the way and at 20 weeks we had the ultrasound and knew he was a he! He even turned his little baby stuff towards the screen so we'd be sure he was a he! Up until then I thought I had to be having a girl because my pregnancy was so vastly different from my first. With my first son I was sick for 7 and a half months, with this one I never threw up even once though there was that one morning I really thought I was going to! He was a great pregnancy, I was tired a lot and drank nothing but water and ate nothing but Chinese food (probably why I was drinking water all the time!) and that makes sense when you understand how much my son adores Chinese food! He was a dream pregnancy! My first son was 8 pounds 2 oz and much too big for me to actually pass through my body the natural way, he ended up being a c-section so I had the choice to have this child the natural way or another c-section and when they did one more ultrasound at the beginning of my ninth month and he was measuring well over 8 pounds? There was no decision to make, he was going to be a c-section baby as well! Of course my kid being who he is, he had decided he was going to be born that day no matter what, I actually began contracting as I was being wheeled into the OR! So at 3:23pm on 23rd October 1998, Paul Joseph Hardel II was born. The happiest day of my entire life. THIS son I was going to take home and raise! He was a perfect baby for the first 3 weeks of his life, never cried and slept through the night from the get-go. When we were home he would nurse every 3 hours but at night he'd go 4 or 4.5. Perfect kid, right? Well yeah he was but then the colic set in...that poor baby was sick with it for weeks, months! However my mother in law found out about this formula that severely colicky babies responded well to and I swear to god 15 minutes after his very first feeding he was an entirely different baby! He smiled, he never cried or if he did there was a reason beyond his belly hurt him which always broke my heart. His favourite thing to do was to say HI to everyone who looked at him and even quite a few who didn't. He brought teenaged boys to their knees to play with him 'cos he was so cute. He got the attention of everyone who came into even the loosest contact with him and he put them under his spell. Of course I'm biased, I'm his mama, I think he's perfect and have from the second I knew he was inside of my body.
So I watch my sweet little boy grow and all of a sudden he's in preschool, then he's in kindergarten, then he's in third grade and now he's in eighth. One thing that has been his gift from the beginning is his imagination, his intellect and at first we thought he was going to be a musician like his dad, he did love his guitar and at three years old was writing real song lyrics that not only made sense but sorta tore at my heart strings because he sang about something he knew nothing about, finding true love with someone who didn't agree. I honestly thought he was gifted with words and you know what? He's going to be 14 in 2 days and he's still gifted with words. However when he was 6 years old he saw Star Wars for the first time (well the first time he actually sat through and paid attention to anyway) and that was it, that was what he wanted to do, he wanted to be the next George Lucas. At six years old he started writing his film he calls Galaxy Hunters, it is multi-layered and populated with magical beings and though back then it was pretty Star Warsy, it's grown into something I cannot comprehend came from my child. I remember when we went to see Avatar in 3D I turned to him and asked, after the film was over, if he imagined things like that in his mind and he said yes. Now I like to write and I think I'm pretty good at it but in no way could I ever do what he's doing, creating entire worlds and beings and creatures to inhabit them.
I know every mother looks at her child and wonders "What is he/she going to be when they're grown?" and most of the time we're never close. I remember looking at PJ when he was sleeping in my arms at 2 months old and I whispered to him "What will you accomplish in your life?" and now I ask him the same question and he always answers the same thing. "Mama I'm going to make films that people will remember their entire lives. I'm going to make films George Lucas goes crazy for." and instead of telling him "Well son that's great but why not major in business at University just in case?" because in my heart I know he will do exactly as he imagines for himself. I don't question if he will do this incredibly thing I believe he will. It never occurs to me to tell him he can't, I'm too busy telling him he CAN and that he WILL. I believe in my son. I don't listen to my mother when she says "Why PJ, why should he do such incredible things with his life? Why not prepare him for mediocrity because that is probably where he will end up in life." I say to her "WHY NOT my son? WHY CAN'T PJ be the next George Lucas?" I mean really, George Lucas had to be the first, WHY can't MY SON be the second? WHERE is it written in the stars that he can't? WHY would I ever even consider limiting my son or his ambition? He aims for the stars and I research way in which to make sure he reaches them. I research the best schools for him to go to, the best classes for him to get involved in next year when he enters high school and what extracurricular activities he should be involved in. I had limitations put on me, first being a girl and then because my mother never dared to dream for me. I was told I couldn't when really? I could have. I was very athletic as a kid, I was gifted in softball, if I had known there was a woman's softball team that went to the Olympics nothing would have stopped me from setting that goal. I lived for that sport, every waking moment was spent practicing it, I taught all the boys on my block how to throw, catch, hit and run and where to throw and why. I helped the boys on my block do well in Little League whilst I was left on the side lines because I was a girl. I swore to god when I was young that I would never put limitations on my children. I have always believed that if a child can dream it and believe it then they can achieve it and my son WILL achieve his goals. My kid rocks!
I will say this, I knew boys grow fast and a lot but damn it! I need to install a cow in my kitchen because the kid drinks a fucking gallon of milk a fucking day! He's growing tall and strong and ever so handsome, and I marvel that at one time he was small enough to live inside of me. His foot is about as big as he was when he was born! Oh, also, he wasn't as big when he was born as we thought he was going to be but he sure was LONG! He was nearly 23 inches and at 7lbs 9oz....well I was glad for the c-section! He's come a long way and I am so very and incredibly proud of him. I never imagined there could be such a powerful love as there is of a mother for her child, it baffles me that there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for him!
So after going through all that, and I'd go through it all again if I had the CHOICE, when I got married of course we wanted to have kids right away. We married latish, I had just turned 27, I wanted our firstborn before I was 30. Isn't it hilarious how life has a way of saying "Oh just you wait and see what happens!"!? 4 years into our marriage we were still childless, we'd consulted my doctor who was beginning to push fertility treatments as a viable decision in our very near future. At the time we were living with my husband's parents, in their home, so there was the stress of that and the stress of my wanting us to move on and out and his parents being very in favour of that want, but my husband seemed rooted in place. However I did win out in the end and we bought our first place, a townhouse near his parents. I painted the entire place as he worked afternoons up until midnight so it was up to me to get the place in order and I loved every minute of it! My first place, a home to put my own personality into, my own space. If I wanted to just throw my utensils into a drawer all willy-nilly then my mother could say NOTHING because it was MY HOUSE! :) Maybe it was the joy of our first home, maybe it was the fact that there was no more stress, maybe it was just the right time and the right place but we weren't in our new home a month and I got pregnant! Now let me explain one thing, I'd completely given up hope at ever having another child. I was convinced I'd put the only child I'd ever have up for adoption and would remain childless. It was a struggle but I'd gotten used to that idea. I enjoyed the freedom that comes with being married but not having the responsibilities of a child. Of course when a woman makes that decision, when she gets that comfortable with her lot in life, the universe wakes up and says "Oh no, we cannot have that!" and throws everything into chaos.
Now obviously I'd been pregnant before so I knew the signs of being pregnant, but this time was different in that I wasn't throwing up my toes every morning. I just felt hungry all the time but the thought of actually eating anything made me want to hurl...only ever one other time I had felt like that, when I was pregnant. So I didn't tell my husband at first, I just bought a test. It was a two-fer, the test, two in one. We'd just gotten a puppy the week before, her name was Ripley and her and I did not get along! I'd never had a dog before and I didn't have a clue what to do with one after petting it for a bit, though of course I love dogs and had always wanted one. Anyway it was about five am and my husband got up to take the dog out to do her duty, she was getting to the point where she sorta knew if she licked our faces in a certain way it meant she had to go out so out she went. I figured since I was awake I may as well take the pregnancy test, I had shown my husband the night before so he knew I'd be taking it that morning. So of course it's 5am and I'm blurry eyed and unbushy tailed but when I looked at that damned test? It was positive. Not strongly positive but the instructions said even a faint cross line should be taken as a positive result. I couldn't believe my eyes so I asked my husband as he walked up the stairs with the pup, he said it was a plus sign, I was definitely pregnant. We cried of course, tears of happiness, and couldn't wait until it was a decent hour to phone our families. At seven am I caved in and woke my mother with the news she was finally, FINALLY going to be a grandma! She was crying as she told me the very day before at work she had told her friends she felt she'd never be a grandma but alas, that was not to be!
So we knew our first child was on the way and at 20 weeks we had the ultrasound and knew he was a he! He even turned his little baby stuff towards the screen so we'd be sure he was a he! Up until then I thought I had to be having a girl because my pregnancy was so vastly different from my first. With my first son I was sick for 7 and a half months, with this one I never threw up even once though there was that one morning I really thought I was going to! He was a great pregnancy, I was tired a lot and drank nothing but water and ate nothing but Chinese food (probably why I was drinking water all the time!) and that makes sense when you understand how much my son adores Chinese food! He was a dream pregnancy! My first son was 8 pounds 2 oz and much too big for me to actually pass through my body the natural way, he ended up being a c-section so I had the choice to have this child the natural way or another c-section and when they did one more ultrasound at the beginning of my ninth month and he was measuring well over 8 pounds? There was no decision to make, he was going to be a c-section baby as well! Of course my kid being who he is, he had decided he was going to be born that day no matter what, I actually began contracting as I was being wheeled into the OR! So at 3:23pm on 23rd October 1998, Paul Joseph Hardel II was born. The happiest day of my entire life. THIS son I was going to take home and raise! He was a perfect baby for the first 3 weeks of his life, never cried and slept through the night from the get-go. When we were home he would nurse every 3 hours but at night he'd go 4 or 4.5. Perfect kid, right? Well yeah he was but then the colic set in...that poor baby was sick with it for weeks, months! However my mother in law found out about this formula that severely colicky babies responded well to and I swear to god 15 minutes after his very first feeding he was an entirely different baby! He smiled, he never cried or if he did there was a reason beyond his belly hurt him which always broke my heart. His favourite thing to do was to say HI to everyone who looked at him and even quite a few who didn't. He brought teenaged boys to their knees to play with him 'cos he was so cute. He got the attention of everyone who came into even the loosest contact with him and he put them under his spell. Of course I'm biased, I'm his mama, I think he's perfect and have from the second I knew he was inside of my body.
So I watch my sweet little boy grow and all of a sudden he's in preschool, then he's in kindergarten, then he's in third grade and now he's in eighth. One thing that has been his gift from the beginning is his imagination, his intellect and at first we thought he was going to be a musician like his dad, he did love his guitar and at three years old was writing real song lyrics that not only made sense but sorta tore at my heart strings because he sang about something he knew nothing about, finding true love with someone who didn't agree. I honestly thought he was gifted with words and you know what? He's going to be 14 in 2 days and he's still gifted with words. However when he was 6 years old he saw Star Wars for the first time (well the first time he actually sat through and paid attention to anyway) and that was it, that was what he wanted to do, he wanted to be the next George Lucas. At six years old he started writing his film he calls Galaxy Hunters, it is multi-layered and populated with magical beings and though back then it was pretty Star Warsy, it's grown into something I cannot comprehend came from my child. I remember when we went to see Avatar in 3D I turned to him and asked, after the film was over, if he imagined things like that in his mind and he said yes. Now I like to write and I think I'm pretty good at it but in no way could I ever do what he's doing, creating entire worlds and beings and creatures to inhabit them.
I know every mother looks at her child and wonders "What is he/she going to be when they're grown?" and most of the time we're never close. I remember looking at PJ when he was sleeping in my arms at 2 months old and I whispered to him "What will you accomplish in your life?" and now I ask him the same question and he always answers the same thing. "Mama I'm going to make films that people will remember their entire lives. I'm going to make films George Lucas goes crazy for." and instead of telling him "Well son that's great but why not major in business at University just in case?" because in my heart I know he will do exactly as he imagines for himself. I don't question if he will do this incredibly thing I believe he will. It never occurs to me to tell him he can't, I'm too busy telling him he CAN and that he WILL. I believe in my son. I don't listen to my mother when she says "Why PJ, why should he do such incredible things with his life? Why not prepare him for mediocrity because that is probably where he will end up in life." I say to her "WHY NOT my son? WHY CAN'T PJ be the next George Lucas?" I mean really, George Lucas had to be the first, WHY can't MY SON be the second? WHERE is it written in the stars that he can't? WHY would I ever even consider limiting my son or his ambition? He aims for the stars and I research way in which to make sure he reaches them. I research the best schools for him to go to, the best classes for him to get involved in next year when he enters high school and what extracurricular activities he should be involved in. I had limitations put on me, first being a girl and then because my mother never dared to dream for me. I was told I couldn't when really? I could have. I was very athletic as a kid, I was gifted in softball, if I had known there was a woman's softball team that went to the Olympics nothing would have stopped me from setting that goal. I lived for that sport, every waking moment was spent practicing it, I taught all the boys on my block how to throw, catch, hit and run and where to throw and why. I helped the boys on my block do well in Little League whilst I was left on the side lines because I was a girl. I swore to god when I was young that I would never put limitations on my children. I have always believed that if a child can dream it and believe it then they can achieve it and my son WILL achieve his goals. My kid rocks!
I will say this, I knew boys grow fast and a lot but damn it! I need to install a cow in my kitchen because the kid drinks a fucking gallon of milk a fucking day! He's growing tall and strong and ever so handsome, and I marvel that at one time he was small enough to live inside of me. His foot is about as big as he was when he was born! Oh, also, he wasn't as big when he was born as we thought he was going to be but he sure was LONG! He was nearly 23 inches and at 7lbs 9oz....well I was glad for the c-section! He's come a long way and I am so very and incredibly proud of him. I never imagined there could be such a powerful love as there is of a mother for her child, it baffles me that there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for him!
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