My little part of the world

In my little part of the world I'm living in an apartment that is the perfect size for me and my son. 2 bedrooms, mine is huge and his is perfect for him, as big as his bedroom was when we lived in our house. Townhouse, whatever. The livingroom here is massive, so much room, a decent sized kitchen but not enough counter space (watching HGTV as I do I could totally redo the kitchen to incorporate enough counter space without making the space smaller, there's so much dead space), and a small bathroom that does bum me out. I do love my place though, after all, it's mine. It's the first place that was ever JUST MINE. I can decorate how I want (or I could if I wasn't broke) and it's all up to me to make it a home for my son and me. I think I'm doing a good job, I mean sure it could be cleaner but is that really the end all, be all of existance? My son loves our place, he's comfortable and he's happy. That's all that matters to me, good roof over his head, nice clothes in his closet and a lot of them, food in the refrigerator (though that's getting harder to maintain as he eats EVERYTHING all the time). He's got the basics I suppose, but I think there's so much more to parenting than just providing the basics. The basics will get you through but do you really want your kids to grow up and say "Sure, my mother provided the basics but that's all."? I sure don't. I want a home that's less than perfect, a bit messy and the place my son will think of longingly when it's cold outside and he's walking home from somewhere. I still get that feeling when it's cold outside, that I want to be home where it's warm, young again with my mother waiting with hot chocolate. She didn't do that all the time but when me and my brother were outside playing in the snow? Hot chocolate. And it's something that has stuck with me through my entire life, that feeling of love in that mug. Or if it was cold out and we were coming in for lunch she'd make us the mug 'o' soup and have hot tea for us, so when we finished we'd be fortified and warm enough to return to the snow! I always worry that my son won't have those sorts of memories, that I'm not providing him with memories he'll revisit when he's a father, when he's grown and not living with me anymore. When he's rich and famous (and he will be, I have absolutely no doubt about that) and winning that Oscar for his latest film (either as an actor or a director) I want him to say he wouldn't be where he is if it wasn't for his mother. I'm serious, I want the kudos. Especially that first one, then after that he can still mention me but then he can add like my mother and step dad, his uncle and maybe even his dad. ;o) But I want that first one all to myself. We've already had this talk and he's agreed to it. lol

My son. My pride. My joy. My love. I knew going into this whole mother thing 13 years ago that I'd love my son (we knew he was a boy right away) but I have to admit that I was still very unprepared for the intensity of that love, for the depth and all encompassing love that I have for him. There is literally nothing I wouldn't do for him, I'd die for him if I had to. I am the proverbial mama bear when it comes to him and while I know he's not perfect, just don't let me hear anybody else say he's not perfect. The most amazing thing has been to watch him grow, to go from one stage to the next, to see him learn all the things I was afraid he wouldn't or make that worried that he wouldn't. We all worry about our kids, us mum's, it's just what we do. My mum still worries about me, she even worries about me crossing a street as if I was 7 years old again. @@ lol It's a mother's prerogative to worry like that, I get that now. I watch my son with awe as he goes now from being a boy to being a young man, he's taller than me now, his voice has mostly changed (he shocked all his friends when he went back to school and his voice was so deep and different) and he's just man-shaped and hairy! lol We've got the zit's on the run thanks to his dad and he's figuring out what sort of style statement he wants to make. He's not a baby anymore. I have a hard time with that sometimes, not always but just once in a while I want my baby back. That bouncy, giggly, happy 4 month old who told me stories in his baby babble and laughed and laughed when I'd ask him to tell me more. But then that's offset by him being able to wipe his own butt and him being able to make most of his own food when he's gotta have a snack and especially in the mornings on my day off when he can and does get himself up, showered, dressed and fed for school! I'm so very proud of him, he's always been mature but it was this summer that he showed me that I can honestly count on him. When, back in June, I hurt my back real bad at work, I was dependent on him for a lot of things, like walking. That boy never fussed about having to stop doing whatever it was he was doing to help me, he never rolled his eyes at what I needed from him, he was there 24/7 and for that he'll never, ever know how incredibly proud of him I am. It's good to know I can count on my kid to do what's right, what needs to be done. He loves me. I'm his momma. He's never really called me mommy, he's always called me momma. Not so much now, unless he's being sweet which he does a lot, mostly now I'm mom which is fine, because that's what I am...PJ's mom. That's not all I am but it's what I am best.

I am not one to blow my own whistle, in fact it's always pissed off my mother how she sees me as unfair to myself I always am, how hard on myself I am, but I tell her I'm not, I'm just a realist. I'm honest about me. I don't do many things right, or well, or at all, but my kid? THAT I do well. I do that perfectly. I couldn't ask more of my son than what he is, he's a good kid, he's got a good head on his newly broad shoulders, a big heart and he mixes them both very well. He's intelligent, he's quick, he's funny as hell, he's talented and he dreams big dreams for himself that he vows to make come true. That's why I know someday he will be thanking me when he receives that Oscar, I know he will because he know's he will. He has absolutely no doubt in his entire body that he will be the next George Lucas, that he will accomplish exactly what he's set out to do since he was 6 years old. He works hard at it now, the planning for his shows and films, he's been writing them since he was 6 and he makes them better as he gets older and more talent. He's dreamed himself a damned huge dream but honest, if anyone can make a huge dream come true? My PJ can, and he will! Just you wait and see!