Is it wrong that, in the middle of Target, I started singing and chasing my 15 year old son? I mean every mother does that, right? Especially when you have the fun relationship my son and I have, you wouldn't expect the absolute look of horror cross his face as he sprinted into the men's bathroom...as if I wouldn't just stand outside and wait for him. He doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does! But alas, I gave him a break and we just shopped. I bought nothing except that the nothing I bought cost over 60 dollars! WTF! HOW does a bunch of odds and ends up costing nearly one hundred dollars? I can't even tell you what it was that I purchased, besides Pepsi, I need caffeine for my get-up-at-the-ass-crack-of-dawn job...2:30am should be when I GO TO BED, not when I have to get up! However, getting out of work at 12:30? Nice. So I can come home, put on WILL AND GRACE reruns and fall asleep and neglect the son I had so much FUN humiliating in Target! YAY! Life? It has it's moments. 

Call of the Wild

http://www.quickmeme.com/p/3vredm


The above link takes you to a story from a photographer about when he "met" a female lion in the wild and it reminded me of a story of my own.

In Wisconsin there's this wild life park called Wildwood...here's a link to their site, if you're ever up there you have to check it out.

http://www.wildwoodwildlifepark.com/

So I was married and our son was only about 5 years old, we went up to my parent's cottage in Minocqua, Wisconsin and there's this lovely place called Wildwood. It's a place you go where deer and goats roam free and they have other animals in cages like a sort of zoo. Anyway my favourite land animals are the big cats, especially tigers. There was one regular tiger and a white tiger in a cage together. I went by myself (my son had his daddy over by the swamp looking for frogs and snakes and stuff so ick) to check out the tigers. There's a bench a few yards away so I sat there. I kept thinking how beautiful they were, how glorious, how they should be out in the wild and free but then I thought they're both so beautiful it would be a shame if they were in the wild and they got shot which, these days, is likelier than them not being shot, and how horrible that would be. I kept thinking the white one looked so much like my cat Thomas, who's all white and beautiful. I was thinking all of this for about five minutes or so when all of a sudden the white one got up and came over to the bars of the cage. If you got up to the enclosure you'd definitely be able to put your hand through and pet the tigers, or get your hand bitten off, one of the two. So the white cat is looking straight at me, I'm the ONLY PERSON AROUND, the only one on the bench, the only one in the entire vicinity so he was definitely looking at me. I waved to him and told him how beautiful he was, he started rubbing his face up against the bars of the enclosure in that way all cats of every size do and then he'd look back at me. I kept telling him he's so magnificent, that he should be running free and not caged and he kept rubbing up against the bars. Then he went over to his cagemate, he looked at me as if he were making sure I was watching which of course I was then he pounced on the poor sleeping tiger. I laughed 'cos it was like a cartoon come to life in it's silliness. Of course the sleeping tiger was less than amused so he swatted at the white tiger. The white tiger and he wrestled a bit, playing, the white tiger threw his head back and ROARED...now until that moment I had never heard a tiger or any big cat actually ROAR in person, I could feel the roar in my very bones. They wrestled a bit more and when they stopped the white tiger looked back over at me, again it seemed to be because he wanted to make sure I was watching which of course I was so again he pounced on his friend. I couldn't help but laugh because he was being such a clown! They rolled around, they roared ROARED and ROARED and slapped at each other. The golden tiger got thrown into their pool by my white tiger and when that happened I swear the white tiger looked straight at me and grinned. I saw fang. And then he came back over to the cage bars and rubbed up against them. I told him he's so beautiful and fierce and truly the king of the world, apparently he liked the sound of that 'cos he rolled over onto his back and "pawed" the bars whilst looking at me. This went on for about 20 minutes from beginning to end, he'd play with his friend (ie: torment him) and then he'd come over and look at me with his beautiful blue eyes and brush up against the bars or roll over and "paw" the air or bars. He was definitely not performing for me in the sense of he's not a circus animal ( I loathe the circus and never, ever go nor do I allow my son to go) but he was communicating with me. I felt it in my soul. We bonded, there was a definite bond between us, puny human totally in love with a fierce, beautiful, proud male white tiger. He was truly breath-taking and for 20 minutes, he was MINE and I was HIS. This was 10 years ago now but every single time I think about him and those 20 minutes it makes me so happy inside, so glad that I experienced that and so thrilled that it was just him and I. After that 20 minutes were over another family came over and started being noisy and pointing at the tigers, my white tiger gave me one last look and went back to his friend, laid down and went to sleep. Whatever bond we shared was broken, the moment was over and I was fine with that. 

Funny thing? Nobody seemed to have heard the roaring and it was so loud I'd have thought people here in Chicago could have heard it.

I will never forget those tigers, my beautiful boy, and I wish I could get back up there but my parents have sold the cottage and it's a 6.5 hour ride....lol Anyway I carry that experience with me, in my heart and soul, and I will for the rest of my life. I consider those 20 minutes to be among the very best of my entire life.

MUSIC...can't live without it.

I used to be so narrow-minded when it came to music when I was young..I liked certain bands, certain types of music and had no respect for other types. How blind I was back then. My mind was just closed to so many things when I was a teen, I was so into what I was into that I simply could not see beyond my three bands, Duran Duran, Depeche Mode and Spandau Ballet. Now don't get me wrong, I still listen to those bands, heavily, but these days my iPod is home to many different sorts of music. I have everything from 80's pop to today's pop in the form of Justin Timberlake (have mad love for that boy), country to classical, 80's heavy metal to the softer tones of Dido and Sarah McLachlan. I have Salt N Peppa and Beastie Boys and Poe and Nitzer Ebb and Ministry and Pitbull and Bruno Mars (again, mad love for this boy as well). My son is 15 in a few weeks and thankfully 2 of the most important bands in my life, Duran and DM, he loves, and he's discovered a very few other bands through my obsession but for the most part....? He's just as tunnel visioned as I used to be at that age. Maybe he'll grow out of it, he probably will because I see the obsession beginning in him for music, but for right now Depeche Mode is his obsession. We just went and saw them live last month, I love having that to share with my son because he is my world and we both adore some Mode. I think, no wait...I KNOW...my son is the biggest Mode fan on earth, he knows way more about them than I do...anyway he's been to three Duran gigs and two DM gigs...he's a lucky kid. His first gig was, as mine was nearly 30 years ago, Duran Duran back in 2005, he'd just turned 7 and had to stand on the chair behind me the entire show. At the end of the first time we saw them John Taylor pointed to him and gave him a thumbs up and the biggest JOHN TAYLOR SMILE EVER! I'm still jealous about that...fast forward to last year when we went to meet John at the book signing for his autobiog here in Chicago..he was so nice...to my son. ::insert eyeroll:: I'm happy he was so warm with my son, so STAND-UP-AND-SHAKE-HIS-HAND and all that..but hello? Fan for over 30 years here..the reason you're shaking this kids hand...standing right here with a pounding heart and eyes I'm sure were as big as dinner plates *John Taylor is sublime in person as he is not in any photo ever taken*. OK maybe I was babbling but still, oh well what am I bitching about, I got my signature and he was uber nice to my kid...life is good. Now lets go back to my son's second Duran Duran show....we had 11th row center, at the end of the show when they guys were waving goodbye what happens? Simon Lebon...my personal God...points out my son, waves and makes his entire year. UGH! HELLO SIMON! I'm RIGHT HERE LOVING YOU STILL AFTER ALL THESE YEARS! Little brat that kid of mine right? No more Duran shows for him. lol For the last Depeche Mode show...here's how much he loves DM. We could have gone backstage because my ex father in law works security at the venue where they played, but he was too nervous to do this so he missed out. I'm disappointed because it was probably the only chance he'll ever have to meet his music heroes, especially Martin Gore, and he was too afraid. He's still knocked out over meeting John Taylor! So yeah it's great to share some of my music with my kid and this has gotten way off the track...

So music, yeah, boy has my tastes changed over the past few years. I can listen to anything and enjoy it if it's done well. I am still in awe that I have country music on my iPod, I totally blame the show Nashville for this btw, I got and am still so hooked on that show and the music was so fantastic that I branched out. I own 3 Lady Antebellum albums. Me. I also have recently discovered an adorable British kid who does American Country music nearly as well as Johnny Cash did called Jake Bugg, can't stop listening to his debut album. His sound is very old school country to my ears. I have yet to download my beloved Johnny Cash however, how strange is that? I've loved him since I was a wee lass, maybe 3 years old? I grew up listening to him. I need to rectify this asap.

For me music is one of the most important things in the world. Without music my soul would be lacking something, it would be starved because music feeds me, my soul. I love it when I get lost in a song whether it be the music or the lyrics (I'm really a lyric junkie) when I am able to let go and be completely sucked in by music I'm at my happiest. The last couple of days I've been listening to Duran Duran non-stop and there are times, plugged into my iPod, my headphones on, I'll hear a Duran song and it...it makes me stop everything. I sit here, eyes closed, skin goose pimpling and tears gathering and suddenly I'm 14 again, in my bedroom alone. I love the music of Duran Duran, I always have and I obviously always will (sorry mum, you were wrong, I never did grow out of Duran Duran like you swore I would), and sure they're a bunch of beautiful men but that's not enough for me to stay such an avid fan, no the music has got to be there for me. There is something about Simon Lebon's voice that can and does bring me to my knees, certain songs that I'll listen to when I only hear Simon's voice and it breaks something in me...in a good way! A few weeks ago my son and I were coming home from the store and THE MAN WHO STOLE A LEOPARD came on, now this is a relatively new song off their last fantastic album so it's not a nostalgic thing in that sense but there was just something about Simon's voice, the sound he makes when he sings, I instantly know when it's him singing and his voice makes my soul swell with love. It's hard to understand how someone can truly love someone they don't know but yes, I love Simon Lebon and Duran Duran. I care about them, what happens to them and I want them all safe and healthy and happy in this world. It matters to me. When Simon lost his voice a bit ago it scared me down to my very soul, seriously and yes some of it was because I cannot imagine a world in which Simon Lebon does not sing but I was much more worried about HIM, his health. I've got Duran music, I'll never not have his voice whenever I want to hear it, but him being healthy is different. Now I promise you all I've totally grown out of the whole wanting to marry Simon Lebon (I actually adore his wife Yasmin just a smidgen more than Simon lol), the emotions I have for him and the rest of the band are a part of who I am now. At one time, back in my teen years, I used to write some steamy love scenes with these men but now? I'd just love to sit down with any of them and have a long conversation about life or anything with them. I think I've grown up...yeeks! It's the sorta the same with Depeche Mode and Spandau Ballet as well, I love them beyond the pinup days of years gone by, I love them because they've become a part of who I am. Back in Dave Gahan's druggy days I literally had to distance myself from the band I was so afraid he was going to die and I could not watch that happen. I completely ignored the entire SOFAD tour, I refused to see him all drugged up and dying bit-by-bit. When I think of living in a world that does not have Dave Gahan in it it causes pain, an empty hole inside of me that his existence fills. He's had some medical scares in the past few years that nearly did my head in...but seeing  him so healthy last month...well it goes deeper than watching him twirl or grab his cock lets just say that ok? I let out a breath that I didn't know I was holding the second I saw him on that stage, healthy and happy and exactly where he belongs. And with Spandau Ballet...well that whole them hating each other thing and suing each other and all that shit, I'm glad it's over because it sucked seeing how it hurt them all whether or not they tried to pretend it didn't. They're horrible liars. I never got to see them live back in the day but the reunion tour back in 2009 was not only my excuse to go to the one place in the world I honestly feel I belong and had been dreaming of going to my entire life (England) but to see Spandau Ballet live, in front of my eyes, from front row....well it'll be one of those things I'll reminisce about on my deathbed I promise you that. Hearing Steve Norman do that sax solo during TRUE...goosebumps right now remembering it...it was an honour to be there for that, to hear that song and Through the Barricades and all the other songs I'd been dying for nearly 30 years to hear done live! Those three bands have fed my soul for a very long time, nearly my entire life, and I cannot ever see how I could live without them and their music. 

A lot of people like to say music has gone to hell these days and to a point I totally agree. With the likes of Justin Bieber, One Direction and all that shit music it's a grim world out there musically speaking...however if you just dig, if you just hunt a little bit, you find gems among the shit. Gems like Jake Bugg, like White Lies and Bat For Lashes, Stellastarr* and most especially my muchly beloved Editors. Editors are right up there with the TRIO, their music is sublime and feeds my soul and takes me away from the harsh reality of life when I need it to. There are band out there, artists out there, making really good music, these are just a very few examples. Even some of the big names like Alicia Keyes are fantastic and if the girl would put her big dirty tongue back in her mouth, Miley has so much talent it's not even funny. If only she'd grow up and realize being naked and whorish does not make you an adult...but I'm not holding my breath for this to happen any time soon, the industry chewed her up as a child, spit her out as an adult and now she's floundering and heading down that same path others before her created. It's sad 'cos that girl has a beautiful voice. Anyway music today isn't what it was and I honestly believe the early 90z with the whole grunge movement was the last great generation of good music, back then there was actual talent out there, going about their fame the hard way, the way it should be, by working hard, gigging around and getting your music out there and not by being cute, cute only gets you so far. So yeah, music is out there, good music, worthy of listening to and purchasing but you're going to have to dig for it so get digging!

My Head, My Heart, My Gut...a girl's vision of war.

I'm completely torn over this entire Syria thing, seriously confused. I go back and forth on a daily basis between supporting it and not, sometimes many times in one day. Usually I'm able to see things like this for what they are, I'm not quite sure what's different about this one but there IS something different. Here's the breakdown...


THE HEAD:
Ok of course my head is screaming NO to war. I mean what sort of person is ok with sending strangers out into the war to kill and possibly be killed? It's one thing to sit and watch on television things happening in some middle east country, and it's one thing to know American soldiers are out there...I guess until/unless it's your child out there, your husband/wife, your brother or sister, you just don't appreciate everything they do, what they give up. I only can appreciate it via history, knowing my Grandpa was a WW2 hero (the captured U-Boat, the U505, he was part of that. I have the photos of it, of him standing on it) and even though he's really my step-grandfather, my life would have been LESS were he not here, if he would have been killed. He came damned close to dying, the first ship he was on was hit and sunk, he floated in the Atlantic for quite a long time before being rescued. He lost most of the hearing in his one ear from sea water getting in there and causing a massive infection. For me the thought of my hero, the man who hung the moon, floating around in that huge ocean where sharks live and were feasting on the less fortunate...it makes me have heart palpitations and not in that "James Purefoy was naked in ROME" sort of way either. It makes my eyes tear up, it gives me that squishy-in-the-guts feeling. My grandpa was my world, my childhood would have been a disaster without him. I wouldn't be here were it not for him because the things I had to survive...well I'm getting off course here. Anyway...so yes my head says NO to war. War is never good, it should never be an answer to anything. There should always be ways around going to war. It's one thing to go to war if your country has been attacked, of course you cannot just let that happen, of course you have to answer that act of aggression with an act of aggression that teaches the original aggressor who's boss. WW2, we got bombed so we got into it...Pearl Harbor. Of course I always have wondered if we would have gotten into WW2 when we knew what Hitler was up to, even just a hint, how many people wouldn't have been tortured and slaughtered just for being Jewish? For supporting someone who's Jewish? Polish? Gypsy? A free-thinker? Well we'll never know. It's easy to look BACK and say we should have gone in earlier, but back then I'm not convinced the President knew to the extent what was going on in Europe, had he known I believe he would have done something. I've seen many programs on WW2 and Hitler that I know our troops were utterly shocked beyond belief when they did walk into those first few concentration camps at what they saw, at the conditions, at the death staring them in the eyes. I thank god my Grandpa was in the Navy and not on the ground, that he never went  into one of those concentration camps. My son's great grandparents were "guests" at a concentration camp for a couple of years, for nothing more than being Polish and being part of the Polish Army. I cannot imagine what they saw, my heart has always bled for them. I believe that President Obama is worried that another Holocaust is happening in Syria, we know for sure people have been killed using chemical warfare. That's always been the red line in the sand, for the world, but my head still tells me NO WAR. Let them deal with it, let them rise up and fight and overcome this evil Assad the Dictator. 
However....

THE HEART:
My heart, oh it bleeds for the Syrian people. The horrific photo's of dead babies and children will haunt me just as deeply as the photo's of the dead Jewish people back in WW2. They will follow me all my days on this earth. How mankind can be so cruel to each other, especially to innocent children, well it scars my soul. My heart wants us to help these people, these men, women and children that are being slaughtered and I am incredibly afraid that this  IS the beginning of another holocaust. If we don't do it, if we don't go help these people, who will? Someone HAS to help them! If this were happening here, if our children were dying in the dirt because an evil man made the decision to gas them and we weren't the powerful nation that we are, wouldn't we want someone out there to come here and help us? Help our children? Our people? My heart wants us out there yesterday gathering the orphaned children, make sure they get the help they need and maybe the family as well. We have a huge heart here in America. It's what we do. But there is history, 9/11, Iraq, Afghanistan, being lied to by the former regime of Bush and Cheney, 2 wars that went on for to damned long, one that is still going on...America is war weary and while our hearts scream for justice for these people, for these children, we also want our service men and women safe. They have fought hard, long and enough. See even when it comes to the heart, the head gets involved. That's never a bad thing to be honest. 



I do trust the President, I believe he would never get us involved in something that was unnecessary, that he'd never lie to get his way, but.....but.....see my problem? We know for certain that chemical warfare was used on the Syrian people, the tests of dirt prove it, and that makes me angry. But there is just something in my guts that tell me not this one, not this one, not now and not this one. I think it's the threat of Russia and Iran and possibly China getting involved and not in a "lets support America" way either and that scares me to the soul. Especially China. America is great, our armed forces are second to none...well OK maybe to China and that's my problem. The Chinese army is massive, and trained in a way that gives me nightmares. This could be the beginning of the end of everything. I want President Obama to tell me that China will not get involved, that Russia isn't the power they were back in the day, that we can do what needs to be done and that's it. But life doesn't come with guarantees does it? You're damned if you do and damned if you don't and this time being damned could be literally. I always panic and think END OF THE WORLD but it scares me. I didn't bring my beloved son into this world to be part of the end of it. He has a bright future ahead of him, he's just begun high school, he's coming into his own and he has grandiose plans for his life and the determination to make them all come to pass...he should have that chance. Especially when you understand the trust he has in the President. 

In the end it's not my decision, in the end I think President Obama will do what has to be done and vocally I'll support him and who knows, maybe both my head and heart will agree, but as of right now? I'm warring within myself.

14 December 2012

21st December 2012 was supposed to be the end of the world for all of us but today in Newtown CT the end came a week early for 20 families. Today a 24 year old man went into his mother's classroom, a kindergarten classroom, and slaughtered 20 children, his mother, 6 other adults and then himself. This man had a gun that nobody outside of the military should have a chance to own, that shoots up to 100 rounds per SECOND, wore a mask and a bullet proof vest, was allowed into a school somehow and ended so many little lives. The agony the parents are experiencing this evening has got to be unbearable, I cry just at the thought of the grief, pain and anger they're going through. The sights of so many small children being taken home by relieved and horrified parents, their frightened and confused little faces, will haunt me for the rest of my life. These babies should have been safe, they were supposed to be safe because this school had protocol for situations like this and thank god they did, the mind cringes from the thought of how many more would have died if those protocols had not been practiced and in place. 

The mother in me wanted to go immediately to my son's school this afternoon, take him home, wrap him in magical bubble wrap and put him under his bed where it's safe. OF course I didn't do any of that, I waited for him to come home, for my nearly six foot tall 14 year old to take me in his arms so I could cry for children I'll never know and for parents who have just lost reason. When I looked up into my son's face, his handsome, maturing face, I realised that it is honestly only by the grace of god that this has never happened to him or the school he attends or kids he knew. Why that school and not one around here? Why one kid and not another? Why, Why, Why. That's all we're left with right now. I am just grateful that my son is alive, hanging out in a park with his mates, goofin' on each other and having kid fun. 

The shooter wanted to hurt his mother, that much is clear, and he was learning disabled. Can someone please explain to me how he was able to purchase a gun like that? Ammo like that? WHY are people in this silly assed country allowed to own such things? When will we learn? When will we make things change so our kids don't have to worry that someone could come into their classroom and kill them? How many more parents, mothers and fathers, will have to grieve the loss of a child due to gun violence? That any children were killed but that 20 were slaughtered is unforgivable. It is time for much stricter gun laws, gun control, including such a screening procedure before you can purchase a gun that they know how often you go to the bathroom much less if you've had a history of mental illness or anything in your past that could somehow set you off. Nobody needs a gun such as was used today, nobody that doesn't belong to a branch of military. Shit even cops don't have guns like that!


My heart and thoughts and prayers are with those in CT tonight, tomorrow and in the weeks that come. May they find strength somehow to go on, to honour those poor little ones in some way so that they did not die in vain.

7th November 2012

On the morning of 6th November 2012 I woke up blurry eyed from a significant lack of sleep and dragons in my belly, I was nervous, excited, concerned and well....I was hungry. It was breakfast time. My son had the day off of school for Election Day and to get my mind off of things, AFTER I VOTED, we went to breakfast and then we went shopping a bit, just spending time together not spending money. Through all of it I was praying, and I don't do that lightly, I try not to annoy God with frivolous pleading but I'm sure he got sick of me curled up around what passes as his/her feet yesterday begging for President Obama to be re-elected! Anyway as I voted I heard people around me all talking about how they voted for Mitt Romney and I'm sorry but I just shook my head and wondered silently how they could vote against their own best interests. I live in a very working class neighbourhood, nobody is well off here, not many are even middle/middle class. Many have more than one job or are on unemployment, we're all hurting on one level or another. It's a very racially mixed neighbourhood and I started paying attention, it was NOT only the white people saying that they're voting for Romney! I seriously was without hope for a bit after that, even my son, who is extremely politically savvy and aware at 14, was utterly sickened by the way these people obviously bought into every single lie the right wing conservatives told. I began wondering if the reasoning behind voting against what is in their best interest is just a simple case of wishing they were rich enough to be Republican or was it something else? Especially the couple of women of colour who were voting for Romney. To vote for 2 men to run the country who want to take away every decision a woman should always be allowed to make is just....well it just makes no bloody sense to me! 


I can honestly say now that I was scared, for my life, my liberty and my ability to do for my son as I have been. I could not imagine living in a country where men made all the decisions for my body and every woman as well. I could not imagine living in a country where rich people got richer on the backs of middle class American's and laughed and laughed. I could not imagine living in a country where the President had said such horrible things about nearly half of the population. I could not imagine living in a country where a man who lied brazenly morning, noon and night and got away with it *until those last 2 debates anyway*. I most assuredly could not imagine living in a country where I had to look at the television and saw a rich man and his rich wife looked down their noses at me and mine, trying to whither us with a steely glare. First of all I'd have gone a bit crazy 'cos Lizzy don't roll like that and really, after 8 years of Bush there was simply no way I could imagine going back to all that and getting out alive. Now I don't have to worry about those things for at least 4 more years. I can sleep at night knowing that there is a man in the White House who does care, who does do thing that will make middle class America better and who will broaden the middle class with people who were looking up, working hard and will finally make it. My son will go to University, he will succeed and he already thanks the President for this. In a bit more than a year I'll have affordable healthcare. I will be able at 47 years old have my first mammogram and get back to my gynie who I haven't seen in over 10 years now. I will be able to get moles removed that I know are either cancerous or on the brink of being cancer. I will be able to get my thyroid back under control, lose weight, exercise and have it mean something, get healthy again and not worry about having a heart attack. I will know that if I DO have a heart attack I won't be turned away for being uninsured. I will get the best care from the best hospitals and doctors. I will no longer feel like a third world citizen. 


There are so many reasons to be grateful that President Obama has been re-elected, the mentioned are but a few, but I must add that I'm grateful that I will be seeing his beautiful smile for the next 4 years as well and my mad crush can continue! I look forward now and wonder who will run in 2016, on both sides. My son will register for the vote early that year, because he'll turn 18 at the end of October, because he is excited to finally be part of the process, and he will cast his vote for the person he believes in the most. It may not be the same person I'll vote for. I wanted Hillary in '08, he wanted Obama, he won and I've supported him ever since but still, to live in a country where I can vote for one person and my son for another? That's awesome! That is what this country was founded on!


I'm listening and reading some very sour grapes from the right wing and I honestly understand it all because if I have to be honest? If President Obama would have lost? I'd have unplugged myself from the net for a very long time, until I could handle their smugness. So because it went my way I understand their disappointment, I accept their sour grapes, but I cannot help and stay quiet when they say ridiculous or racist things and oh boy have I see the ugly head of racism rearing again this day! I don't understand racism and I will not stand for it, I will not be quiet when I come across it. Not for anything or anyone. I've told off family for racial insensitive or down right racist "jokes" and opinions so why would I let strangers off the hook for the same thing? 


So yeah Lizzy's happy, Lizzy is no longer living on a ledge waiting to jump. Lizzy is happy and content and grateful.

I'm not sure every woman born dreams of becoming a mother. I know I didn't. When I was 20 years old I found out I was pregnant, the damned condom didn't work. I wasn't too concerned about getting pregnant after my doctor told me my uterus is tilted and it would be very difficult for me to ever get pregnant. PLUS my periods were not anything nearing regular, maybe I got it three times a year? My doctor never seemed concerned so neither was I. I should have been. Of course I always used protection and even on the night I got pregnant we used a condom, but that's nowhere near 100% fool proof as everyone knows. So I was pregnant. I didn't find out until I was nearly four and a half months pregnant and my mother was pressuring me to have an abortion, not wanting me to go through what she knew was awaiting me. I have been and will always be pro-choice. I think it is every woman's right to choose what she wants to do with her own body, whether or not she wants to carry a child, whether or not she wants to get pregnant. These days it isn't called pro choice by so called pro lifers, it's called pro abortion. They couldn't be more wrong. I have lived for 45 years and I can  honestly say I've never, ever even once come across a woman who thinks it's ok to just run out and have an abortion. For every woman I've ever met abortion was always the very last, nearly desperate option you make that will haunt you for the rest of your days, and especially your nights and dreams. Nobody just wakes up one day pregnant and thinks "Gee, I just don't want this baby, I'm going to go abort.", it is a decision that tears a soul apart if you let it, it stays with you even when you're utterly convinced it was the right choice. So when I was pregnant at 20 I had the right to choose, to make my choice, that nobody else could make for me, that I would have to live with for the rest of my life. I chose adoption. For me, Lizzy, I could never abort, not unless there was something really wrong with the baby and I know there are a lot of women out there who know the baby they're carrying is ill and still choose to have those children. Those women are stronger than me, and that is their CHOICE. Every woman is different, every woman in that situation comes to a conclusion after soul searching and every woman has to live forever with that choice. I have a son out there, a son who grew inside of me, kicked me, made me sicker than I care to remember, who melted my heart the second I saw his beautiful face and I never once, ever, regretted carrying him and giving him life and giving a deserving couple the joy of calling him son. Whoever his mother is, I hope these past 23 years she's found the title "Mom" to be music to her ears. I hope his father appreciated every single time he held that tiny little hand of his young son, I hope he threw a football to him when he was a kid and I hope he cried when he watched his son reach goal after goal and I pray that every time that young man has called him "Dad" he's sent up a silent thank you to whatever Powers he believes in. I loved my son when I gave him a life I could never give him, unemployed and uneducated and still living with my own Mom. I hope he's enjoyed a full life, had every opportunity for success and loves the parents who chose to love him. I had a chance to meet his parents just before the adoption but I chose not to. Not for any selfish reasons or because I was afraid I'd look for their faces in every crowd, I knew adoption was absolutely the best CHOICE for my son, but I wanted them to never have a face to put to his, that maybe they'd feel more bonded to him because they never met me. I hope I was an instrument for their happiness. I hope they're all very happy, very healthy and enjoying a wonderful life, I have to trust that they are. I hope he's got siblings to keep him company and a dog to lick his handsome face. I just know he's handsome, he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my life.


So after going through all that, and I'd go through it all again if I had the CHOICE, when I got married of course we wanted to have kids right away. We married latish, I had just turned 27, I wanted our firstborn before I was 30. Isn't it hilarious how life has a way of saying "Oh just you wait and see what happens!"!? 4 years into our marriage we were still childless, we'd consulted my doctor who was beginning to push fertility treatments as a viable decision in our very near future. At the time we were living with my husband's parents, in their home, so there was the stress of that and the stress of my wanting us to move on and out and his parents being very in favour of that want, but my husband seemed rooted in place. However I did win out in the end and we bought our first place, a townhouse near his parents. I painted the entire place as he worked afternoons up until midnight so it was up to me to get the place in order and I loved every minute of it! My first place, a home to put my own personality into, my own space. If I wanted to just throw my utensils into a drawer all willy-nilly then my mother could say NOTHING because it was MY HOUSE! :) Maybe it was the joy of our first home, maybe it was the fact that there was no more stress, maybe it was just the right time and the right place but we weren't in our new home a month and I got pregnant! Now let me explain one thing, I'd completely given up hope at ever having another child. I was convinced I'd put the only child I'd ever have up for adoption and would remain childless. It was a struggle but I'd gotten used to that idea. I enjoyed the freedom that comes with being married but not having the responsibilities of a child. Of course when a woman makes that decision, when she gets that comfortable with her lot in life, the universe wakes up and says "Oh no, we cannot have that!" and throws everything into chaos. 


Now obviously I'd been pregnant before so I knew the signs of being pregnant, but this time was different in that I wasn't throwing up my toes every morning. I just felt hungry all the time but the thought of actually eating anything made me want to hurl...only ever one other time I had felt like that, when I was pregnant. So I didn't tell my husband at first, I just bought a test. It was a two-fer, the test, two in one. We'd just gotten a puppy the week before, her name was Ripley and her and I did not get along! I'd never had a dog before and I didn't have a clue what to do with one after petting it for a bit, though of course I love dogs and had always wanted one. Anyway it was about five am and my husband got up to take the dog out to do her duty, she was getting to the point where she sorta knew if she licked our faces in a certain way it meant she had to go out so out she went. I figured since I was awake I may as well take the pregnancy test, I had shown my husband the night before so he knew I'd be taking it that morning. So of course it's 5am and I'm blurry eyed and unbushy tailed but when I looked at that damned test? It was positive. Not strongly positive but the instructions said even a faint cross line should be taken as a positive result. I couldn't believe my eyes so I asked my husband as he walked up the stairs with the pup, he said it was a plus sign, I was definitely pregnant. We cried of course, tears of happiness, and couldn't wait until it was a decent hour to phone our families. At seven am I caved in and woke my mother with the news she was finally, FINALLY going to be a grandma! She was crying as she told me the very day before at work she had told her friends she felt she'd never be a grandma but alas, that was not to be! 


So we knew our first child was on the way and at 20 weeks we had the ultrasound and knew he was a he! He even turned his little baby stuff towards the screen so we'd be sure he was a he! Up until then I thought I had to be having a girl because my pregnancy was so vastly different from my first. With my first son I was sick for 7 and a half months, with this one I never threw up even once though there was that one morning I really thought I was going to! He was a great pregnancy, I was tired a lot and drank nothing but water and ate nothing but Chinese food (probably why I was drinking water all the time!) and that makes sense when you understand how much my son adores Chinese food! He was a dream pregnancy! My first son was 8 pounds 2 oz and much too big for me to actually pass through my body the natural way, he ended up being a c-section so I had the choice to have this child the natural way or another c-section and when they did one more ultrasound at the beginning of my ninth month and he was measuring well over 8 pounds? There was no decision to make, he was going to be a c-section baby as well! Of course my kid being who he is, he had decided he was going to be born that day no matter what, I actually began contracting as I was being wheeled into the OR! So at 3:23pm on 23rd October 1998, Paul Joseph Hardel II was born. The happiest day of my entire life. THIS son I was going to take home and raise! He was a perfect baby for the first 3 weeks of his life, never cried and slept through the night from the get-go. When we were home he would nurse every 3 hours but at night he'd go 4 or 4.5. Perfect kid, right? Well yeah he was but then the colic set in...that poor baby was sick with it for weeks, months! However my mother in law found out about this formula that severely colicky babies responded well to and I swear to god 15 minutes after his very first feeding he was an entirely different baby! He smiled, he never cried or if he did there was a reason beyond his belly hurt him which always broke my heart. His favourite thing to do was to say HI to everyone who looked at him and even quite a few who didn't. He brought teenaged boys to their knees to play with him 'cos he was so cute. He got the attention of everyone who came into even the loosest contact with him and he put them under his spell. Of course I'm biased, I'm his mama, I think he's perfect and have from the second I knew he was inside of my body.


So I watch my sweet little boy grow and all of a sudden he's in preschool, then he's in kindergarten, then he's in third grade and now he's in eighth. One thing that has been his gift from the beginning is his imagination, his intellect and at first we thought he was going to be a musician like his dad, he did love his guitar and at three years old was writing real song lyrics that not only made sense but sorta tore at my heart strings because he sang about something he knew nothing about, finding true love with someone who didn't agree. I honestly thought he was gifted with words and you know what? He's going to be 14 in 2 days and he's still gifted with words. However when he was 6 years old he saw Star Wars for the first time (well the first time he actually sat through and paid attention to anyway) and that was it, that was what he wanted to do, he wanted to be the next George Lucas. At six years old he started writing his film he calls Galaxy Hunters, it is multi-layered and populated with magical beings and though back then it was pretty Star Warsy, it's grown into something I cannot comprehend came from my child. I remember when we went to see Avatar in 3D I turned to him and asked, after the film was over, if he imagined things like that in his mind and he said yes. Now I like to write and I think I'm pretty good at it but in no way could I ever do what he's doing, creating entire worlds and beings and creatures to inhabit them. 


I know every mother looks at her child and wonders "What is he/she going to be when they're grown?" and most of the time we're never close. I remember looking at PJ when he was sleeping in my arms at 2 months old and I whispered to him "What will you accomplish in your life?" and now I ask him the same question and he always answers the same thing. "Mama I'm going to make films that people will remember their entire lives. I'm going to make films George Lucas goes crazy for." and instead of telling him "Well son that's great but why not major in business at University just in case?" because in my heart I know he will do exactly as he imagines for himself. I don't question if he will do this incredibly thing I believe he will. It never occurs to me to tell him he can't, I'm too busy telling him he CAN and that he WILL. I believe in my son. I don't listen to my mother when she says "Why PJ, why should he do such incredible things with his life? Why not prepare him for mediocrity because that is probably where he will end up in life." I say to her "WHY NOT my son? WHY CAN'T PJ be the next George Lucas?" I mean really, George Lucas had to be the first, WHY can't MY SON be the second? WHERE is it written in the stars that he can't? WHY would I ever even consider limiting my son or his ambition? He aims for the stars and I research way in which to make sure he reaches them. I research the best schools for him to go to, the best classes for him to get involved in next year when he enters high school and what extracurricular activities he should be involved in. I had limitations put on me, first being a girl and then because my mother never dared to dream for me. I was told I couldn't when really? I could have. I was very athletic as a kid, I was gifted in softball, if I had known there was a woman's softball team that went to the Olympics nothing would have stopped me from setting that goal. I lived for that sport, every waking moment was spent practicing it, I taught all the boys on my block how to throw, catch, hit and run and where to throw and why. I helped the boys on my block do well in Little League whilst I was left on the side lines because I was a girl. I swore to god when I was young that I would never put limitations on my children. I have always believed that if a child can dream it and believe it then they can achieve it and my son WILL achieve his goals. My kid rocks! 


I will say this, I knew boys grow fast and a lot but damn it! I need to install a cow in my kitchen because the kid drinks a fucking gallon of milk a fucking day! He's growing tall and strong and ever so handsome, and I marvel that at one time he was small enough to live inside of me. His foot is about as big as he was when he was born! Oh, also, he wasn't as big when he was born as we thought he was going to be but he sure was LONG! He was nearly 23 inches and at 7lbs 9oz....well I was glad for the c-section! He's come a long way and I am so very and incredibly proud of him. I never imagined there could be such a powerful love as there is of a mother for her child, it baffles me that there is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for him!

I'm not sure where this is going to end...actually I'm not all that clear on how it's gonna start either so...here goes nothing!

Things I've been upset about is basically the same things as I've been upset about...men...MEN...trying to tell women what they can or cannot do with their bodies. That'll always piss me off. But I'm going to take this a bitty bit further and express how not only upset I am with other women who want to take away our rights to choose, but how much it depresses me. I've always thought that women understand things better than men, no offense men it's my opinion, and that we use our hearts when deciding things, but these days there are so many intolerant women out there it saddens me. It makes me angry that so many women not only want to tell other women what they can do with their bodies but that they feel vindicated by what it says in a fictional book they thump and call the word of God. First of all, we all already know I think the bible is a bunch of nice stories but the word of God? Yeah not so much. If I ever meet God and he/she tells me different, well then I'll apologize and actually mean it, but for now...that's the deal. Now I love to debate, I like expressing my feelings and thoughts on things and hearing/reading others thoughts and opinions...I especially love it when the other person is trying so hard to make their point that they completely ignore the fact that I am also allowed to have my own and they say "You're so intolerant of other opinions"...that just cracks me up. It's like "Ok you can think what you want as long as you agree with me, if you don't then you're intolerant, especially if you've got the nerve to continue debating the topic.". I was unaware that the second we don't agree I'm being intolerant...I thought that was the entire point behind debating...two differing opinions, two different people coming together to hash it out respectively, but I suppose that's just too much to ask for. Oh well, not my problem. I, however, will make it my problem when another person's actual intolerance will curtail my rights in this world and other people's rights. Little by little a woman's right to choose and her right to have not only adequate healthcare but healthcare period in some instances and in others, awesome healthcare, are being chiseled away, mostly by men who will NEVER get pregnant, NEVER have a uterus or breasts, though men do get breast cancer. Fat, rich, mostly white, old men are telling me what sin is, telling me what is right and wrong and demanding I agree with them and give up my rights. I mean do women not realise that giving up these rights means we're going to basically go back to being pregnant and barefoot and chained to the house again? Did our mother's, grandmothers, aunt's and older sisters fight for nothing back in the 60z and 70z? Did they burn their bra's for the fuck of it, so some weak-willed and weak-minded women today can hold up a fictional book and demand everyone believe as they do? It's just so frustrating how religion is swiftly becoming everyone's crutch and power to step down on the neck of not only women's rights but democracy. Freedom of speech and freedom of religion is being creamed if you do not speak as they speak and worship as they worship. 9-11 was a horrific day, obviously, and to this day you can walk down any street in America and ask people how they feel about Muslim's and they'll say they don't trust 'em because of what happened on that day, not understanding that some of the most horrific things that have happened in this country alone were caused by Christians. Muslims are no better nor any worse than anyone else in this world...you simply cannot paint all Muslims as terrorists because what a handful of extremists....wait, notice that word, extremists E X T R E M I S T S.....that means those people are EXTREME in their view point, that they go above and beyond (usually in a fly-the-plane-into-the-buildings sort of way) what normal people would do. I've known many Muslims and the one thing I can say is that, besides fighting with siblings just like every other American siblings do, they're a very peaceful people. I don't blame ALL Christian's for burning down buildings and killing doctors because of abortions...why blame all Muslims for 9-11? Now I do feel that women are very oppressed in the Middle East but I also truly believe that their time in history is yet to come. I trust that Middle Eastern women will find a way to honour their God, their religion, and their need to be strong and independent and I honestly think that they're well on their way NOW! 

So basically I guess I'm gonna bitch about women's rights around the world...and now I'm done 'cos I'm hungry and it's time for lunch. Funny side note? I have given up soda for about a month now but I took my son to see THE BATMAN film yesterday and had a large soda.....I was sat in that freakin' dark cinema bouncing around due to the caffeine and sugar, I felt like shit by the end of the film because it was all wearing off and I've decided even more strongly now to never allow soda past my lips again...my son has also given it up and couldn't believe how disgusting the soda tasted yesterday. There is not one reason to drink that shit if you ask me, it's so full of chemicals and bad things that it so far outweighs the benefits of the caffeine boost. Drink coffee if you need that boost. I've been off it for a month now like I said and I honestly find myself sleeping better at night and NOT needing caffeine to wake up in the morning and people? I get up at fucking stupid o'clock for work...3am. Yes, people do get UP at that time...not only go to bed. lol Pepsi, at least, has the throwback formula that uses regular sugar so that's less evil on your body, but the amount of sugar is still utterly ridiculous. I've noticed that stores around here import Coke and Pepsi from Mexico now...why when these things are made here? BECAUSE THEY USE ONLY REAL SUGAR and not that high fructose corn syrup bullshit...THAT shit needs to be made illegal if you ask me and I don't care if that makes me even slightly intolerant, it's so incredibly harmful to the body that I cannot understand why it's legal. Ok now I'm off...lunch and iced tea with only lemon and NO sugar is calling me! I cannot believe I've learned to not only drink tea with no sugar but I LOVE IT now! Weird right?

Justice, At Last....

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, whenever there is a trial concerning sexual abuse of children I have a certain amount of interest, naturally. The Sandusky trial, I gotta say I have been on pins and needles since it began, I was so afraid he would go free. Maybe it's because of what happened to me, maybe it's a mother's intuition but I honestly could look at him and see the monster in him. Nobody wants to believe an older man like Sandusky, who is this huge hero to so many, is capable of hurting children but all it took for me to believe it was the first time I saw him. He just has something wrong with his eyes. A few weeks after the whole thing hit the airwaves and he was remanded to his home instead of sitting and rotting in a jail cell as he deserved, and when it was reported how every day he would go stand on his front porch to watch the children coming out of school every afternoon with something to drink in his hand, it made me nearly vomit. I love kids, I live near a few schools, I have never done something like that and it makes my skin crawl that he would be so bold as to basically stand there drooling over little boys out in the open and nothing was done to stop it. I'm glad my son didn't go to that school and that Sandusky has never laid his sick, perverted eyes on him. He'll spend the rest of his life in prison and that makes the world just a bit safer. One less predator on the streets. However, my question? What about all those fuckers who knew this was happening, or "thought" it could be happening that did nothing because Sandusky was so famous? Is there a different set of laws for monsters like Sandusky? Just because he's famous and "beloved", does that make it nifty fine that he raped and sexually tortured at least 10 young boys? I swear on every single thing I hold dear to me that if anyone ever did that to my son I would fucking rip them apart with my bare hands and go grinning to prison for it. I know what it's like to feel like you have no control over situations because an adult is doing things to you that they shouldn't be doing. NOBODY better try to hurt my son in any way much less in that way. 

My abuser was my father, isn't that an old tale to tell? What I had no idea about is that he also molested most of my 6 male, older cousins. I found that out about 15 years ago. I know the effect that abuse has had on me, on how I grew up, my issues with trust in men and how I view sex...I have also seen how my cousin's dealt with it. The one's he hurt, 2 of them are dead from drug overdoses, the rest are drug abusers and alcoholics and I lay all the blame for that on my father. I have forgiven him for what he did to me because it just got to a point where in order for me to move on with my life and have any sort of a relationship with another person, I had to, however I will never forgive him for hurting so many other children. It's been proven that the second you abuse a child it not only changes who they are but who they were meant to be and it just ENDS so many possibilities for their lives. Children are the epitome of innocence and for an adult to end that innocence...well there's just gotta be a very special place in hell for them, I truly believe that and I'm not a religious person. 

It's been said by some of the abused kids that they were not only abused in Sandusky's home, but his wife was home and had to know what was going on and did nothing to stop it. Now I get she was probably afraid to do anything, for herself, her safety, but that's just no fucking excuse. These children who's lives are forever altered in horrible ways should have a chance to sit with this bitch and tell her exactly what her precious husband did to them, in the Sandusky home, when she was home, and then ask her why she didn't do anything to help them. She should be forced to answer them, to look into their eyes and tell them why. My heart breaks for the victims, and we only know of 10, you know there is many, many more. At least one for every single year he had access to that "charity" of his. I want his wife to look into those victim's eyes and tell them that the abuse never happened because he was "too busy" to have done it. Yeah, he was too fucking busy raping young boys in the shower...sure. Bitch should spend the rest of her life in seclusion, and I hope she does, miserable and alone. 

Now is the time I wish I hadn't given up drinking 'cos I'd sure love a big old glass of red wine right about now...toasting justice having been done when I was afraid it wouldn't be and because this monster will never, ever hurt another child for the rest of his miserable existence. But really, I'm just gonna go to bed 'cos I gotta get up for work in a bit less than 5 hours...

This So Called WAR ON WOMEN

Don't let the right fool you, there IS a war on women...against women. Suddenly it's dangerous to have both a brain and a vagina. There seem to be quite a few conservative men in this country who want the women in this country to go back to the 50z, be good little girls and do everything we're told to do by those big, strong, smart men. ::snort:: Yeah sure, what the fuck evahhhh.... I never listened to begin with, why start now, half way through my life? I was not built to listen to men, I barely listen to my mum. I'm hard-wired to NOT trust men or their ideas, it takes a lot for me to give men credit that they're due....because most of the time they're not due any if you ask me. No I'm not a man-hater, I love men, I just hate controlling men.

In Michigan, Rep Lisa Brown and Rep Barb Byrum were banned from speaking on the house floor by Majority Floor Leader John Stamas. Why? Because of what she said about late-term abortion. This was her comment....

“Wherever there is a question of the life of the mother or that of the unborn child, Jewish law rules in favor of preserving the life of the mother. The status of the fetus of human life does not equal that of the mother.

I have not asked you to adopt and adhere to my religious beliefs. Why are you asking me to adopt yours?

And finally,  Mr. Speaker, I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but no means no.”

Can someone please show me where she spoke so horribly that she should have been and should continue to be banned from speaking out? Oh I guess it's because she doesn't adhere to the fucking Christian bullshit belief that abortion is a sin. The thing is I would give these asshole's a chance to convince me about this whole abortion/anti-choice but when you realise that they don't give a shit about that fetus after it's been born in my world they have NO voice. You can't see my POV because you're too fucking busy thumping your bible that was written over 2 thousand years ago in a language that has been dead for over a thousand years then I shall close my mind and ears. I cannot and I will not sit still and have religious zealots tell me how to run my life, how to think and what I can and cannot do with my body. Nobody has the right to tell another human being what to do or what they are not allowed to do with their body. I think the thing that pisses me off just about the most is how these people are all anti-choice, pro-death penalty and definitely against any sort of programs that would help feed and clothe and shelter that fetus a woman was forced to bring into this world. The second that fetus breathes and becomes a child they do not give a toss about it but damn it let it be born so it can struggle, starve, be uneducated, possibly abused and neglected....damned straight. ::snort:: 

I really do not get why all of a sudden these conservative men think they have any right to tell a woman she should not have the ability to prevent a pregnancy, but a man has the right to those little blue pills so he can get it up and impregnate her. That women haven't the right to terminate a pregnancy for any reason at any time but once that child is born it's her problem, not the government's and definitely it's not the conservative's problem.

Nothing tends to infuriate me more than  a man thinking he has the right to tell a woman what she can do or not do with her body. It blows my mind. I'd never presume to tell anyone what to do, I have a hard time telling my kid what to do. Ok no I don't but I do let him always have a say and I have him make most of the decisions that effect him. If I don't teach him how to make his own decisions then some idiot conservative will have an easier time convincing him of things I would hope he knows better than to agree with. I'm lucky he's so politically aware and that he agrees with me, if anything he's a tad too liberal for my tastes. lol But as a young man he has asked me why suddenly it's so bad to have a vagina and a brain, I have no answers for him because I just don't know. I don't get it. I want my own answers just as Ms. Brown and Ms. Byrum would like answers as to why they've basically been banned from doing their jobs. It's supposed to be a good thing to have opposing ideas so that a conversation can be had and that, in the end hopefully the best answer is given and done. In the world as we know it today, that is just not how it is. The conservatives want their way, they want everyone to be bible thumping christians, they want every woman silenced and to obey, they want the rich to get richer whilst the middle class and below have their necks stomped on by their own feet. They want to shove their beliefs down our throats and they're the first ones frustrated when things don't work like that in the real world. Don't even get me going on this damned voter purge going on in Florida, don't get me going on how it's spreading to every fucking state with a goddamned republican governor and don't even get me going on how utterly pathetic and obvious it is. These rich, entitled, spoilt white men are so offended that the President of the United States of America is not only a black man, but has a father who was Muslim and has a Muslim name. They're so afraid that this man who is our President may actually do some good that they'll spend billions...BILLIONS...on electing some fuckwad rich, snobby, out-of-touch, lying-through-his-capped-teeth, mom jeans wearing twat that they cannot stand. What's that idiot's name out there in Nevada...some casino tycoon, the one willing to spend endless billions on getting the twat elected even though he'd probably rather peel the skin from his face and ignore that silly little fact that he made 21.somethingridiculous BILLION dollars last year under Obama....but lets get that black guy out of office. Can't have a BLACK MAN in the WHITE HOUSE after all. Makes me so ashamed to be white. At least the KKK are up front and honest about their hatred and why they do the things they do, you can almost respect them for their honestly, they don't hide behind billions of dollars and stupid, lying excuses as to why they want the black man out of office. Notice I did say ALMOST there.

It's basically all the same bullshit, we've not progressed as a human beings. We've not enlightened our existences. Women are still seen as things, property, open your legs for men in the bedroom and be the whore he wants but read your bible when he goes and does his "manly" duties out in the world. ::snort:: Yeah right, fuck you who believe that shit and please do fuck right off. I think I'm most offended at the women who call themselves conservatives and republican's who are agreeing with this shit! I mean do they not understand if this shit is allowed to happen that eventually THEY WILL BE OUT OF A JOB? They will be made to sit home and service their husbands. Fuck that shit. I'll be a whore when I want to be a whore for a man who deserves me to be his whore. :o) Otherwise I tell those men that god gave them 2 good hands, put them to good use and fucking leave me alone. 

I would ask for forgiveness for all the bad language I've used, but I just don't care if it offends, I'm offended so it's my fucking turn to offend. I was not brought up to use such language but some times it's just necessary. Shock value I suppose. Not that anyone ever reads my blog, but I have fun writing them....when I get a chance to gather my many scattered thoughts and type them off. I know there is much more I'd like to say about this but I'm done for now...I'm tired. I'm sick and tired. I cannot wait for November and my chance to vote for President Barrack Obama again!

 

OMG DID YOU HEAR..?

You know what I'm really sick of? The media. The media that goes after entertainers so relentlessly that they can't even scratch their backsides in public. I say that if say Brad Pitt is in public with Angelina and the kids trying to enjoy oh I don't know, an ice cream cone for the littles, they're there for the kids, as a family, so they have as much a right to be left the hell alone as us "regular" people do. I mean could you stand having people pushing and scratching and running up to you 24/7 to snap a photo of your kids and you every single second? I sure as hell wouldn't want that, no way. When Brad is with the fam he's off limits imo. When he's on the red carpet or at the premier of his newest film then yes, take all the photo's of him you want, even of the kids if he's brought them along, but when he's being dad? Leave him alone. Now I just used Brad as an example 'cos he popped into my mind, I could have used Simon Lebon or John Taylor just as easily but figured maybe one or two people might not know who they were and thus wouldn't get the gist of my ramble. Now don't forget one thing, I'm a rabid fan of bands like Duran Duran, Spandau Ballet and Depeche Mode. I've gone from city to city to see these bands, I've driven hours to see the same tour and I've camped out in front of hotel's for a gander of a hottie. However I've never, not once, gone up to anybody I adore when he's been with his family. I respect them enough to give them the privacy every single human being on the face of this earth deserves and most enjoy. When they're onstage they're SIMON LEBON, but when he's with Yaz and the girls, he's Simon Lebon. There's a line and I do not cross it. I may go and pass out quietly in a corner somewhere but I won't even take a photo of them from afar. No honest, I won't. I've been in this sitch before, and I did not humiliate myself by ignoring my morals. I'm so proud of me.

So I'm really doubly sick of someone's sexual preference being splatted all over everywhere. I don't give a shit who's sleeping with who, unless it's me, which it never is. ::sigh:: Wednesday the headlines were full of Jim Parson's because some felt that he'd finally come out of the closet. Well I'm sorry but if you were surprised that he's gay? You've never paid attention to him. Not that he's flaming or anything, but even my 13 year old always thought he was gay. It's not a big deal, he's been with his partner for 10 years so obviously they're in love and that makes my heart very happy for him. I think he is a brilliant actor and his Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory is my ubur-favourite character right now, maybe even of all time, and I do not care what he does in his personal life. As long as he's happy, not hurting anyone, what does it matter? Why did that suddenly have to be made such a big deal? Bless him and his partner, may they live in sublime happiness for the rest of their lives. 

Why are we, as American's, so fucking consumed with what actors and musicians do in their personal life? Are we trying to live vicariously through them? Really? I mean if I wanted to be an actor or musician I imagine I would have gone out and done it or at least tried, so why would I want that lifestyle? I like my lifestyle. I'm a mom. I love that. Mom. I'm content. I do admit I like hearing when stars get married, when they have babies and when they're happy and have the world at their fingertips...but they should be let alone in public 90% of the time. I dunno, maybe I'm stupid, maybe I'm just not properly star-struck but I tell you, when I met Spandau Ballet in '09 and I looked into Gary Kemp's lovely blue eyes? Star struck doesn't begin to cover the emotions that went flying through me. I have my moments. Meeting Pink Floyd's David Gilmore was a definite high light of my life. Meeting John Candy (RIP) was another. When I met Anne Rice I was nearly speechless and Davy Jones did strike me speechless for a few moments. When John Taylor held my hand between his leather gloved hands I was woozy with pleasure and couldn't stop sniffing the lingering smell of that rich leather left on my hand all the way home but I would never ruin a night out on the town for him and his lovely wife, though I would love to meet her as well. Actually I always wanted to meet Simon Lebon's wife just a bit more than Simon...I just adore her. Weird. But alas, I stray. These are just people, people. They've been luckier than most, are talented at something most of us cannot do or maybe never thought to try, but they're not better than everyone else nor should they be put on a pedestal. Thing is they still use the loo, they still get sick, they still mess up and they have their own famous person heroes that shine bright in their eyes. Ok I think I would probably burst into tears to meet David Bowie, but who wouldn't? Seriously I would have a breakdown. I mean he's DAVID BOWIE for hell's sake! I'll meet him one day, I meet everyone. I'm lucky that way. But I only bother them when they're being their alter-ego's, not when they're being dad or hubby. Never then.

Bits and Bobs

So ok I'm sooo horrible at updating my blog, I just don't have much to say or the time in which to say it. I have a lot of actual thoughts and outrages but seldom the strength in which to put them down here. Well I suppose I have some time now...kid isn't home and I'm just sitting around. So here we go.

I think I'm still really angry about this whole "War on Women" shit I keep hearing from the GOP every day, especially when they say there is no War on Women as they're signing away our rights to our own bodies and healthcare for women and now I see some states are making it ok for women who are raped to be continually victimized by the system that is supposed to protect them. It's just disgusting. It infuriates me that these fat, rich old men think they own the fucking world and everyone in it well I hate to tell 'em but they sure as hell don't! I own me, nobody else does. Slavery is illegal. What usually stuns me most are the idiotic republican women cheering these things on as if there's nothing wrong. I guess in their eyes, since these rules/laws won't actually effect them, it is all ok. I really hope that come this November WHEN PRESIDENT OBAMA IS REELECTED the repukes sit down and think about the ridiculous decisions they've made in the past few years. I know republican's around me who are ashamed of this party, are absolutely either refusing to vote altogether or will be voting for the President. No matter how much it hurts. :o)  It's just mind blowing that there are still those out there who feel ok and not ashamed to stand up for what is being done, who actually believe all the lies Faux News tells, it scares the shit out of me when I see people who I think are normally intelligent people standing in front of me thinking they're successfully debating with me using Faux News talking points. It makes me flabbergasted when, just because I'm temporarily stunned silent due to their ignorance, that they've bested me and then get so angry when I eventually come back to life and make mincemeat of their "beliefs". Gosh they get so angry when I can and do prove over and over again how misinformed they are! My favourite is when people say, not even necessarily republican's, that they're upset with the President because he hasn't done a damned thing since he got into office....again after a few stunned moments of silence they're thinking differently when I point out what he's accomplished, even with every single damned repuke against him. It's humbling really, when you consider what he's done, just the healthcare reform gets me. It further frustrates me when people say they hate the healthcare reform and they don't want to pay for other people to have healthcare. First of all...how selfish. If I had a few bob left at the end of the day and could give it to someone who needed it I damned well would. Second of all, YOU PAY FOR THOSE PEOPLE NOW every single time they go to the ER because they stubbed their damned toe! PLUS everyone and I mean EVERYONE pays sooooooo much for insurance now, wouldn't it be nice to have that price go down, according to what you earn and can afford? Wouldn't it be nice to have some extra money in your pocket? I'd be very happy to have a bit more money in hand! I'm not afraid to have to pay for healthcare because I know if I can only afford 10 bucks per month then that's all I'll pay. Get it yet people? It's not like the POTUS is going to force us to all pay 500 bucks a month when we only make 600 a month..duh. STOP LISTENING TO THE REPUBLICANS! THEY LIE! Yeesh...

So ok last month it was in the 80z for like 2 weeks straight here in Chicago and it's gone downhill ever since. Next week it's supposed to warm up so yay...however, for all those people who, again, are listening to the repukes and don't believe in global warming, if the weather of the past few months don't prove it's existence to you...well then you'll never get your head out of the sand. Nothing to do about that. The weather has been wacky for sure and I know it does naturally go nutty from time-to-time, but it's been too wacky for too long. Our winters are lasting into the spring and our summers are lasting into the fall...well into. Shit's gotten weird, the poor plants and flowers and trees don't know if they're blooming or changing colours for the fall! 

Gosh my kid is 13 going on 30, I swear! The changes in him are freaking me out, he's tall, his voice is deep, he's getting hairy everywhere but he's still my sweet boy...when he's not a bratty, sullen teenager. lol I love the kid, with my heart and soul. He's a brilliant human being, he's talented, he's got a huge heart that he actually listens to. He amazes me on a daily basis and he is going to be SOMEONE when he's grown. Just you watch.

I think I'm going to beg my mum to let me plant some flowers and things in her backyard. The thing I hate most about living here in an apartment is having no outside to plant things I love. I want flowers! I'm sure she'll be ok with it, I mean it's not like she's gonna have to do a darned thing. I'll be over to water and stuff, she only lives a mile away! I want pretty pink flowers and purple flowers and yellow and blue and green and orange and....every colour in the world!!! I LOVE FLOWERS! I play the Sims 3 and you should see the landscaping I do for the houses I build! Amazing if I do say so myself! Actually I gotta run 'cos I gotta continue this adorable Southwestern influenced house!

Wow...just..wow.

Oh what a week I've had! Tuesday I ate some bad meat and biscuits that apparently I'm allergic to so I had a horrible reaction, the vomiting, the diarrhea, the swelling, the itching, the rash....the fainting. It was not a good scene. I ended up in the ER and a lovely night in the hospital, I nearly died because my blood pressure was 50. That's it, just 50...no bottom number. An epi pen shot helped but made me shake uncontrollably, vomited one more time and then all was back to something resembling normal. I was in the hospital where I work and was pleasantly surprised at the level of compassion and treatment I received! Top notch! I'd highly recommend it to be honest, and that did surprise me 'cos you hear so many stories, but that's with every hospital. I have a few about the hospital where I had my son. Shit happens everywhere.

However when shit happens in Florida and a 17 year old African American young man ends up dead and the man who killed him is free and there is as of right now, no plans on arresting him, there is something mighty wrong going on in this crazy ass country of mine! Every single day this Zimmerman's "posse" is coming up with different stories, different excuses, but in the end? There is a 17 you old kid who was walking home with iced tea and Skittles who did nothing to intimidate anyone lying in a box in the ground and has no idea the fight going on because he's dead. And he shouldn't be dead. This silly excuse that Zimmerman was protecting himself from great bodily harm...well first of all there should be a mark on him somewhere and there is now video of him getting out of the cop car woundless...so there goes that one imo. Then on top of it all President Obama took some time out of his busy schedule to say a few words on tv for the parents and now the 2 or 3 lines are being considered a hate speech. I mean really, you can go on and hate him for all your worth and swear to everything in the world and beyond that it's not because of the colour of his skin (and I'll still say bullshit), but to say that what the President said was hate-filled? That's a fucking stretch, even for the losers who are saying it. It really makes me wanna slam my head against the wall. 

And of course the healthcare reform act is up again and it's driving me nuts. I mean it's ok for the government to tell us to buy car insurance but it's not constitutional to have us buy healthcare? Really? I swear these moron's haven't got half a brain-cell to rub together.

Don't worry...

Not that anyone is 'cos I'm convinced I'm the only one who reads my blog :o) however I do have one coming soon...just collecting my thoughts before posting it!

2012...The End?

First let me start out by saying my heart is still heavy over the loss of Davy Jones. I still cannot believe he is not in this world! I just hope wherever he is he fully realises how loved he was and will always be!


Ok onward now....

So the Mayan calendar says that the world is going to end on 21st December 2012. Well sorta anyway. You get many different interpretations of this theory but the one that rings most true to me is that, since it's been crumbled and the end destroyed, either the person who was writing it dropped it and figured "Oh well, time to move on I suppose." or the end of what that person who was writing it was incapacitated in some way so the calendar was unable to be finished. I do not believe that we have less than 10 months of existance left.

That being said, is it just me or is the weather wackier than usual? Now understand one thing, I have a great, GREAT love of everything weather related and I got this love from my grandpa. Some of my greatest memories of my grandpa were sitting on a porch of wherever we were living or at, watching a storm come in. He taught me a lot about weather and it was one thing out of many we shared a passion for. I gotta say I know something about weather, about weather patterns and I know that things come and go. Warmer winters come and go and then they cycle colder again, same with all seasons. And precip, I know it comes and goes in cycles. It just, however, seems to me that we're having more storms with intense, horrifying outcomes than we used to. Now I've lived 44.5 years and have never been in a tornado. I've witness many, many intense, exciting storms (I'd make such a GREAT storm chaser btw!) and I've seen skies turn black at noon, but never was in a tornado. Thank goodness 'cos who wants that right? I gotta say, however, seeing all this crazy weather going on around me? Chicago having a very pleasant winter (hardly any snow, hardly more than 10 days under 32 degrees which is unheard of just about), Chicago missing every major snow storm this winter (sure we did get a couple storms but nothing massive like we had last winter), and now with all these tornadic thunderstorms surrounding us I can't help but wonder when it will be our turn? Is this gonna be the spring where I'm trying to figure out is it best to fall with the building or have the building fall on me when the tornado hits or should I just run to my parent's house before the tornado hits, it's something that keeps my PJ awake at night 'cos there is nothing that freaks him out more than a bad thunderstorm. A few years ago we were caught in a terrible storm and there was a funnel cloud and it just scared the hell outta PJ, who was about 9 at the time. He's not built like me, who saw my first funnel at a much younger age and it excited me...but of course I had my grandpa with me and knew he'd keep me safe no matter what. :o) So really I'm wondering when that other shoe is gonna fall. We've not had a tornado in my area since the year I was born, 1967, and that was a devastating storm from what I'm told. It's gotta be in the cards one of these years right? Is all this wacky weather a precursor to the end of the world? I gotta say I doubt it. I think it's all still cyclical. So it's gonna be in the 60z next week, that's good right?! I know I'll have every single window open for business!