Wonderful Grandparents, Being Sick and other bits...

I know better than to rub my eyes before washing my hands thoroughly when I'm at work but what did I do last Thursday? Yeap, dug in my eyeballs without washing my hands. Damned allergies hit me in the eyes worse and I'm always rubbing them because of it. So now I'm bloody sick. And I have a harsh 2 weeks coming up at work 'cos I'm working a load of hours!! UGH! I need the money desperately so it looks like I'll be popping the meds and slogging through. Guess it'll show my kid that just 'cos you don't feel well doesn't mean you get to stay home, he really needs to learn this!

So earlier, as I drove back from Target 'cos a new expansion pack for my Sims 3 game came out today @@, I saw a kiddie pool in front of a house. It reminded me of summers past, spent with my grandparents and kiddie pools. When you're a kid, they're the best! I always loved swimming, me and my brother were the sort of kids who would and did pick swimming over everything in the world, including Disney World! Yes, you read that right. We went to Disney when I was 10 (to prove how old I am, they were just starting to build Epcot Centre!) and my brother was 6 and we were much more interested in the hotel pool than anything else! My family couldn't get us out of the pool from the second we got up in the morning until when the sun went down at night! That love for water and swimming has not dimmed for me in all these years, I'd rather swim than breathe. Anywhoo, I always wished we had a big pool in the backyard but that was never to be, even at my age now I live in an apartment that does not offer a pool, though we have plenty of room for one. Anyway so my grandparents, who kept us all summer whilst our mum worked, always had the biggest kiddie pools available and that was just dandy to us to be honest. What I remember most was how my grandpa would fill the pool 3/4 of the way with regular water from the hose but then take a big 5 gallon bucket and run up and down at least 2 dozen stairs with steaming hot water in order to warm the pool temp up enough for us to be able to swim instead of waiting for the sun to warm it up. How many grandpa's would do that for his grandkids? I'm thinking not many. Our grandparents adored us and, in turn, we worshipped them. We looked forward to spending the summers with them, missing our mother sure but hey, we were with the two people who spoiled us the best!

My grandfather was, is and always will be the one man who never let me down, who is a hero in my eyes and always will be. I was close to my grandma but my grandpa hung the moon in my eyes. My mum says when I was born I had colic real bad, I wouldn't stop crying and crying so she'd take me to my grandparent's house, they lived 2 blocks away. Finally one day, after hours of me screaming , my grandfather took me from my mother so she could nap. She says I quieted down immediately, that I opened my eyes and looked at him as if I knew he would be the one person always in my corner and that he loved me unconditionally and I went promptly to sleep, as if I knew I was safe. He did try to put me in my cot but I started crying so my mother said he held me for four hours so I could sleep and my mother too, after all, she hadn't slept in days poor thing. I know how that is as my own son was very colicy too. It seems that since moment me and my grandfather were a pair. He scared the bejebus out of every other baby in the world, he was a loud man, but not me. He never treated me like some frail little girl either, he always said that there was absolutely no difference in what a girl could do and what a boy could do besides pee standing up so that led to him putting a baseball bat in my hands at 3 years old, thus beginning a life-long love of baseball and, most importantly, the Chicago White Sox. I did nothing but play baseball/softball and swim my entire childhood. I was a jock. My grandpa taught me to throw a ball, catch anything that came in my general vicinity and how to hit a ball so far there was no way anyone could catch it. I wish I would have known that, even though the Sox wouldn't hire me, I could have done something with the softball like the olympics, but alas, that's not where my life led. Anywhoo, he taught me everything about baseball and then when he knew I was good at it, we practiced it every day. Then he taught me about football, how to throw one, how to catch one, how to tackle and how to avoid being tackled. I liked football but it was never as important to me as baseball, mostly 'cos football was for cold weather. I remember showing my exhusband how to throw a football the proper way, he'd never learned as a kid. I have to say it was amazing to have such a man as my grandpa as my hero. I always felt that my mother preferred my brother over me, typical kid crap, so it was so nice to have someone who put me on top of his list. Not that he didn't love my brother, he did, my brother was just a lot closer to our grandma when we were kids. When my brother got older, high school, he and our grandpa got closer and he taught him how to do all those important manly things. The same things he taught me first, like how to change oil, a tire, how to check the fluids in the car...that sort of crap I pretend not to know about 'cos there's gotta be a guy around somewhere who can get his hands that dirty instead of me. :o)

My grandma taught me things that weren't very apparent until I was grown and then especially after I had my son. She did teach me how to be a strong woman, how to never stay in a marriage that wasn't worthy of me and how to stand up for my beliefs. She was a religious woman...no wait, let me rephrase that. She was the only truly SPIRITUAL person I've ever known in my life. She practiced what she preached right up to, even though she owned her own tavern, never let anyone leave her place drunk, she'd shove food into them for at least an hour. Or let them sleep it off in the back. You could have a good time at her place but she was responsible and never let anyone get in a car and drive when they were drunk. There is a woman who's been like a sister to my mother her entire life she was so close to our family and she was a raging alcoholic, without the actual raging. She was a soppy drunk. I remember her always being drunk when I was a kid, she was still cool to hang around though. She was the sort who knew she was drunk and told you she was drunk and took no responsibility for anything. However one day my grandma had had enough and sat her down and told her...well I have no idea what she told her 'cos it was just between the two of them, my mother doesn't even know, but that woman has been sober ever since. Honest! At my grandma's wake this woman stood up and said she owed her entire life to my grandma 'cos she'd have been dead long ago had she not sobered her up. My grandma would help anyone who needed it, no matter what it cost. I get that from her. She was an excellent cook and I blame most of my fat ass on her. lol She was the sort of grandma who always was cooking, cooking well, would heap your plate high and make you it all of it even though there was no way you could. I'm a damned good cook, strangely enough 'cos she never really taught me, after all I was outside playing baseball with grandpa and had no time for such girly nonsense. I think it's instinctual and it skipped my mum, me and my brother are both excellent cooks. Our dad was an excellent cook too though, but we barely remember him or his food, just that we never didn't love what he'd put in front of us. I never go off a recipe, I just know what to add, how much and when, just like she did. Her first husband, a cheat who she divorced when my mother was very little, was 100% Italian (who my son got his red hair from, go figure) so my grandma learned to cook and love Italian food, but he was from Northern Italy and liked a sweeter sauce rather than spicy so that's what I like and what I cook. My kid loves it. So much so that he wants to have it every bloody night for dinner! @@ I always said my grandma and her mother were the original rebel's 'cos both of them divorced their first husband's at a time when women just did not do that. They would both go on, as my mum did, to marry men who were beyond wonderful. The one thing I remember most, now with a smile, when I was a kid? Not so much...was she always was after me to comb my hair. I had very thick hair and a tender head so I wasn't very pro-hairbrushing! lol

My grandma ended up with altzimers, which left me questioning the existance of God to be honest. How something so horrific could happen to a woman with such strong faith didn't make sense to me and still doesn't. That disgusting disease took my grandma quickly, she passed away within 5 years, in February of 1996. My grandpa, ever the devoted and adoring husband, hardly ever left her side. He did have to put her in a nursing home but only because she had become a danger to herself and he was getting no sleep at all because she was getting out of the house at night and wandering away. She always wanted to go home...back to where they lived when I was a kid and those kiddie pools were a summer thing, however even when my grandpa would take her, she didn't recognise it. The only day he did not spend with her in those five years was the day I got married, when he walked me down the aisle. When the love of his life passed in February he gave up on life himself and joined her 11th September, 1996. I gotta say when 9-11 happened I was glad he wasn't alive to see it.

So here I am, 43 years old with a kid who's about to become a teenager and I wonder if he's going to look back on his life when he's my age and have as many wonderful memories of his family as I do mine. So I strive, just in case, to make sure he does. I've taken him to his first White Sox game, grandpa would be so proud that I'm raising another Sox fan! I take him everywhere, I want him to experience everything! I have grand plans for my kid! I remember when he was not quite 2 he pointed to a picture of my grandpa and said "Papa John" which to this day freaks me out...'cos I'd not told him about my grandpa yet much less that his name was John. I wouldn't have called him that, everyone called him Jay. My grandma was Katherine so everyone called her Kay. Jay and Kay, how perfect was that! I like to think that before his soul entered his little baby body he spent time with the two people who would have loved him beyond what is humanly possible. PJ was born 2 years after they passed, I always wished they'd have stuck around to see him, especially my grandpa 'cos my grandma was gone long before she passed, the poor thing. My grandma's birthday is 17th September, mine is the 20th, we were Virgo's together, and this year she would have been 99, an impossible age for me to imagine. My grandpa's birthday was 12th June, he was 8 years younger so he would have been 91 in a couple weeks...even more unbelievable. I was very ill when he passed and I firmly believe I'd gotten this weird illness that was causing me to lose my sight because I had too much fluid in my spinal cord because to lose my grandpa would have been beyond traumatic. I'd had to have a spinal, painful and leaving me flat on my back in hospital for a week and then on drugs that made life very interesting for me and everyone around me! I hear I was a riot! So those drugs really dulled the pain of losing the most important person in my life, not that I didn't grieve, I did, but I was one step removed until such a time that I could handle it better. Things happen for a reason.

So my nose is running and, since I can't call grandpa to run and get me some meds to make me feel better, it's up to me to get up and do it for myself! HOW RUDE! lol My son is "cooking" tonight...so this should be quite interesting! Hope he doesn't burn the apartment down! :o)

So NOT Fair!!!

Now I've grown way beyond being able to say "But that's not fair", if I were to say that now at 43 it comes out pathetic. Why, you ask? Because by my age you know nothing is fair and you just accept it. Or you change it. However, when it happens to you and it's against your permission? Then you're allowed to bitch and complain about it via your blog.

So ok today at work I was, yet again, the whipping girl. How? Somehow it became MY FAULT that someone didn't do his job yesterday. So lets go back to yesterday shall we? Every year we have reviews and this year mine was really good, shockingly so. One of the things I talked with my bosses about was the C Shift having too many things to do in an 8 hour work day. Ok we have Shifts A, B, and C, the A and B shift come in @4am and the C comes in @5am and all shifts have their own responsibilities and jobs to do. Yesterday (Thursday) I was the B shift and this guy was the C shift, now to give him some credit, he's new and he only worked from 5-9 but those were the hours our boss gave him. So he didn't like go home early or anything. Well one of his responsibilities is to stock linen in the room where the doctors get their linen when they use a bed during their long shifts, every hospital has them. Anywhoo..he didn't do it. It was one of the responsiblities that I felt the B shift person should take back on or that it should be moved to a different day because it's just too much for Thursday. So my boss comes trotting in today to confront my about why it wasn't done. I was like "Well you'd have to ask **** because it was his responsibility, not mine" to which I was told that everyone is responsible for everyone elses jobs and I have to learn how to communicate. Ok if it were my area to do and I couldn't get to it? I'd have told someone "Look, I didn't get round to the dr's room, can you do it for me" because 4 hours is not enough time to do 8 hours worth of work. He'd told me of a couple other things he'd not gotten to so it wasn't even in my realm of thought to think he didn't get to this area and really, why should it? Am I now responsible to make sure everyone does their fucking job? Am I going to be held accountable when everyone doesn't finish their work? WHY THE FUCK was this issue even brought up to me? Probably because the second she realised I wasn't the C shift person she had nowhere else to go with things and didn't want to look like a fool. Well it didn't work 'cos now I'm angry and now everyone in the hospital knows what happened. Now when I fuck up at work I'm aware of it and I acknowledge the fuck up when I get caught. It makes no sense to say "Oh I didn't do that" when I know bloody well I did! But don't you get in my damned face blaming me for someone elses mistake! This happened almost 12 hours ago and it's still making me so angry! I guess I didn't know I was supposed to run around behind this guy to make sure he does what he's supposed to do. Now I know he's new but he's been here long enough to know he's supposed to do this area, but the biggest problem is the fact that another co-worker does a lot of his stuff for him. Bad move. 'Cos it was on the tip of my tongue to say "Well tell ******* to stop doing ****'* jobs for him so he can learn what he's supposed to do" but alas, I didn't. I guess I'm not cut-throat enough.

Ok just wanted to get it down in hopes of forgetting it now...and being able to enjoy my fucking weekend. Gotta work Monday but no bosses will be there as its' a holiday, plus it's double time! WHOOHOOO!!! 16 hours of pay for only 8!!

You Know What?!

You wanna know what I find to be incredibly sad? The fact that I'm American, born and raised, I'm a good person, I work, I pay my bills and I pay taxes and I cannot afford health insurance. Now I know there are PLENTY of people out there in the same boat as me and that's even heaping the sad on top of the pile of sad! HOW are so many millions of people, who are brought up being told that this is the greatest country in the world and we're lucky to live here, who live in the richest country in the world and the most powerful, please explain how these people do not have health insurance? I'm 43 years old and I'm having health issues, big time. I'm on blood pressure meds for extreme high blood pressure that is, surprisingly, not because of my weight problem but because of my kidneys, they're in pretty poor shape. I also can feel that my heart needs some attention and it scares the living shit out of me! I do not NOT want to die damn it and why the fuck can I not go to a doctor and get some fucking help?! I mean I'll pay as much as I can afford, which granted isn't much, but that's just not good enough! And I don't think it's down to the doctors at all either! I think there would be a lot of doctors who would help people like me who need help to get healthy again and have us pay what we can afford but they can't. Why? Insurance companies of course. And who is so completely against health care reform? Republican's. Why? Because they're rich and all have health care that I'M FUCKING PAYING FOR! I have to say that my utter hatred of anything Republican has grown tremendously since 2008, seeing how horribly racist most of them are and the lies they'll tell just too keep a black man out of the White House was a very sad awakening I suppose. I mean sure I know there are racists out there, I come into contact with them every single day 'cos ya know, we white's have to stick together (was told this at the weekend). However I didn't think rich white people would be so bloody open about it. And I don't care if someone reading this is Republican and insists that I'm wrong, I've seen it with my own eyes so don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining! The things this President has had to deal with, you know-BEYOND being the President of the United States of America and all the stresses that brings along-but all this bullshit that he's not American and blah blah blah...utterly ridiculous. Childish I would say except my child doesn't act that way and never has. So much hate in the world and then you have an entire political party adding fuel to the hatred fire and giving reason to those among us who don't come across hatred easily to hate...which yes I'm aware is my downfall and nobody elses, but sometimes it's just impossible to not. I'm only human after all.

So back to healthcare and the lack of it that I have. When I found out I have high blood pressure I was at work, I work in a hospital so I was rushed to the ER, even though I demanded not to be 'cos I felt fine and I have no insurance...$1700.00....well WHO THE FUCK is gonna pay that? I can't! I can barely keep a roof over my head and that of my son! My child support is a fucking joke and believe you me, I've been trying for nearly 3 fucking years now to get my child support raised...but that's just more political bullshit run around and red tape. They send you forms to fill out which ok I don't get...WHY do you need to know how much I make and what my bills are?!! I'm NOT paying child support, I'm RECEIVING child support! I don't care if I'm Oprah Winfrey rich (which is ok and she's earned every single penny of what she has 'cos she's worked her butt off for a very long time to get where she is), my exhusband is the father of our son and by Illinois law has to pay 20% of his wages before taxes for his care...end of! Ok anyway, they send out this form for me to fill out and it'll have a date of say 1st May 2011 lets say, I'll get it on the 12th May 2011 and it'll say this form has to be returned within 14 days of the date on top of the form or else the case will be closed. Now I've even overnighted my form about six times, guaranteeing that it's there in time and still 2 weeks later I get a letter stating that they did not receive...blah blah blah...so my case has been closed. Then there's the phone number. I'm convinced of one of two excuses because when you call this number they give you? YOU NEVER GET THROUGH! I've called at exactly 8am when the phone lines open and have gotten a recording that all the operators are busy and that the wait time is exceptional to please call back the next day!! WTF! I'm thinking that either A) There is only 1 fucking operator or B) there is NO operator. I can think of no other reason why I have not, since February of 2009, I shit you not, been able to get through to a single human being. Talk about unacceptable! My exhusband is making about 3 grand more than he was making when we divorced, this would make my payment per month go up around 400 dollars...I mean who wouldn't need an extra 400 bucks a month? Me and my son could actually LIVE if we got what he is legally supposed to be paying and it's not even really his fault. It's all taken automatically out of his check every payday, he does nothing, he's a good dad. A rare animal. On top of it all? Get this shit....he gets paid every 15th and last day of the month...I have to wait an entire week after he gets paid to get my payment...and it's taken automatically don't forget...however, most of the time his pay day's will be on a Friday so I'll only have to wait until the following Friday, but sometimes, like this month, the last day will end in the middle of the week. So instead of him getting paid this Friday he won't get paid until Tuesday of next week I believe....but will I get my payment the following Tuesday? Oh no. It'll take an extra up to FOUR FUCKING DAYS on top of the 7 I normally have to wait. AND IT'S ALL AUTOMATICALLY DONE!!! WTF! Ok I'm done ranting about this.

I'm going back to healthcare. My best friend also doesn't have healthcare and she works too. I believe her son doesn't have it either but as far as I know we have a law here that no hospital can turn away a child if they have no insurance. The state will pay for them. I know I could go through the state to get healthcare and that's what I'm obviously going to have to do but it's ridiculous that I have to! How come every other organised country in the world has healthcare that actually takes care of it's citizen's but we don't? I honestly don't know how people can turn their back's so thoroughly on other people and say that they can't afford healthcare then they don't deserve it. I can't believe people won't put forth some of their income to make sure other's have what they don't appreciate. I don't have 2 nickles to rub together but I always give when I can and that's probably more often than it should be. I'm the sort of sucker who gives a couple bucks to that bum on the street when I know what he/she is gonna spend it on isn't good for them but hey, if it gets them through that night a bit happier? Who am I to say no to that? I have always said that the government should just let normal people do the budget. Let us see where our money is going to and I guarrantee this supposed deficit isn't nearly as big as it is, that we'd be able to say "ok we so do not need to spend this much money on this, that and the other.". I'm not saying there would be a surplus but it'd be a better deal. The thing that cracks me up the most is how these fat cat politicians give themselves fucking raises every single year...as if they've earned it. Gimme a break, most of 'em don't earn a nod and grin from us much less what are they doing this year, a 47% raise? Something like that. WHERE IS MY FUCKING RAISE!? IF I get a raise this year it'll be a whopping 20 cents...whatever will I do with all that extra dosh coming in? I guess that trip back to England will be back on!! ::insert dripping sarcasm here:: 47% raise....god I wish.

Ok my fingers are sore so I'm gonna get off this thing...I'm tired also of hearing me screaming in my head over things I can't change.

RELIEF!!!

I'm tired, exhausted and relieved that the world didn't end!!

FYI

It's a worky weekend so I probably won't post anything until at least Sunday night...if I'm still alive. I mean tomorow IS the end of the world and all don't forget!! ;o)

Various Musings...

So first things first.....

I had today:

1 yogurt w/granola
blueberry bread
some noodly thing for lunch
water
1 soda
unbreaded fish
corn
2 small chicken legs, baked

So again, feel good about not eating like a pig again!

Now onto various musings!!

I noticed something as I was driving home from the restaurant today and it struck me as so...sad. 2 people were waiting for the bus, a man and a woman. The man had his back to the woman and was reading a paper. Now what's sad to me is that here's two people waiting together but not speaking. Now I'm a chatty person so I usually bu...er...just start talking away when doing something like waiting for a bus, an elevator, anything really. I think I get it from my grandmother who would talk to anybody. I mean what a better way to spend a few moments of time waiting around than to have a conversation? Even if it's to bitch about the crap weather we've been having here in Chicago....grrr. Why do people just ignore each other like that? Are they afraid the other person is going to reject their offer of conversation? Slap them? Call the cops? Shoot them? I mean ok, you shouldn't judge someone by the way they look but sometimes it's hard not to and I figure if you want to look scary then prepare yourself to scare people. I mean back in my punk rock days? Of which there are NO PHOTO'S 'cos I'm smart like that. I knew I freaked people out so I wasn't offended or shocked when I freaked them out. I made fun of them. Like when me and my friend John had dyed our hair vivid blue and went to the local mall. Now in the late 80z it wasn't as commonplace as it is now and I remember this woman actually grabbed her toddler to her when she saw us. As if we were gonna either eat him or run off with him. So what do I do? I screamed "OH MY GOD JOHN IT HAPPENED AGAIN! YOUR HAIR IS BLUE!!!!" to which he screamed, covered his head in "shame" and ran. I nearly pee'd my pants laughing. The woman stomped off in a huff but wtf did she expect? I mean seriously. IT'S HAIR!!! It's not like either of us had horns and a tail and a forked tongue for fuck's sake! Seriously! BTW, I so gotta STOP saying seriously all the time, I mean really! @@ Anywhoo...I find it sad how people don't communicate if they don't have to. You can learn quite a bit about things that maybe you didn't know in a short time, I mean that person next to you that you've never met? He/She may know something that you don't that will change your life! Probably. Maybe not but are you going to risk it? I'm not. So on and on I chatter to people, who 99% of the time chatter right back!

Funny kitties!!

I have 3 cats, Thomas, Raelyn and Cressida. Cressida's the baby and Raelyn hates every inch of her guts but hey, Cress isn't that thrilled with RaeRae either. Thomas is a laid back baby and plays with both his girls. Thomas and Raelyn are fully grown cats, hell Thomas is nearly 12 years old, but they both eat poor Cressida's kitten food, it must be better tasting than regular cat food. Oh well, tough. They get hungry enough they'll eat it, right? As I live and breathe and type, Thomas is finally eating his own food! Talk about perfect timing! The biggest problem I'm having now is the fact that both girls hate each other but Raelyn adds to it using the bathtub as a litterbox....soooooo I went and bought her her own covered litterbox. Sure I know there is absolutely no way to keep the other two out of her litterbox, I don't mean it's literally hers but she's why I went and got it, so I hope she appreciates it. Hurumph. Cressida is running around like a kitty who lost her kitty mind right now, Raelyn isn't impressed nor is Thomas, but that's just 'cos she's running full speed and sliding into him as he's trying to eat. Poor Thomas. ;o)

I've had Thomas since he was a year old so he's my old boy. When we got him, for my birthday, I had another cat called Lestat and he was the kitty love of my life, the first cat I ever had. In 2007 I noticed poor Lestat's health was getting worse and worse, he was 16 years old and losing weight rapidly. At full health Lestat was a big boy, robust but not fat and just the sweetest baby ever. When I first got him, he saved my life. How? Well this was back in 1991, my brother and I had spent a lot of money on each other for our Xmas gift, we went in half on a 500 dollar VCR. So in April, barely a month after I got him, we were having a wicked thunderstorm with brilliant yet dangerous lightening (I'm a thunderstorm enthusiast) so, because the outlet that the VCR was plugged into was connected to an outlet on the outside of the condo, on our balcony, I went to unplug it because I didn't want lightening to fry it. Just as I went to unplug the thing, yeap, lightening hit it, but instead of me touching the plug at the time? Lestat ran full blast right into me, knocking me over just enough that I wasn't electrocuted. Good kitty eh? The VCR was fried, of course, but I was still alive and from that moment on? Lestat was a very, very pampered baby. So when I noticed he was sick I went and found out that he had cancer so this one weekend I noticed him take a turn for the worse, I had planned for him to be put down Monday morning but my boy decided to pass away in the basement by himself. That was a horrible thing to find, my beloved Lestat dead on a cold floor, alone. I still hurt over that. He should have died in my arms, knowing I loved him. I have his ashes and I never thought I'd ever feel for another cat what I felt for Lestat but then there was Thomas. I swear he gave me a couple days and then became glued to my side. He really helped me through losing my Lestat and turned into this goofy cat that had nothing but sweet meow's for me and nuzzles. I may not love him like I loved Lestat but that's just 'cos you can never love any 2 things the same way. When it's his turn I will keep his ashes also, but god I hope that's years and years and years away.

So I have these crazy cats now, 2 girls who hate each other and a guy who's just laid back and watches it all. I swear if it's the last thing I do I'll get my girls to be at least tolerated pals!

Weekend

Well my bad on the not blogging this weekend but it was cold and dreary here so all PJ and I did was curl up in our beds and watch tv, and watched a film together in the evening. I got a bit of writing done, but seemed to run out of steam. Depressing weather, cold as in not even 55 degrees (maybe not even 50 today) in mid May is just gross.

Anyway I don't remember everything I ate, again my bad, but I know I stuck to my diet. Especially the yogurt and granola breakfast, which has quickly become my favourite part of the day! I love that! The granola is fat free and low calorie. So that part of the weekend was good.

I'm working on my next rant, it should be done soon!

Welcome Back Me!

So couldn't really start my diet thingy yesterday as Blogger was down the entire day. Here's what I ate though.

Thursday> I began my day @4am for work.

1 yogurt
1 cup of granola for yogurt
3 bottles of water
1 sandwich on whole grain wheat bread
1 container/serving of 100 calorie potato chips
2 pork chops, thin cut, cooked in Olive Oil and spices
1 cup apple sauce
1 cup noodley thing
1 cup vanilla ice cream


Friday> Began my day @4am for work.

1 yogurt
1 cup granola for yogurt
3 bottles of water throughout my work day
1 can Pepsi (only had 3 hours of sleep so I needed the caffeine!)
2 left over pork chops
3 table spoons apple sauce
1 table sauce noodley thing
1 serving size of veggie sticks
2 cups spaghetti w/mushrooms


So it seems I'm not doing so bad eh? I figure if I want ice cream, I'll have it, just won't eat the entire thing! I eat vanilla because it's lactose free and I can only find it in vanilla. Am very VERY lactose INtolerant, cannot even think about cheese without getting stomach cramps! I get very, very ill. Work is all the exercise I need so I don't walk or anything. No seriously, I cart these bins of linen around that weigh anywhere from 200lbs to 700 so I think after 8 hours of that? I'm all exercised! Plus walking all over the hospital and lifting heavy linen and bending and reaching? Yeah, exercise, check. :o) I am seriously considering getting one of those dance games for the XBox 360, like I said we have the Kinect for it and since PJ never used it once, I may as well right?! I LOVE to dance and don't consider that exercise 'cos it's fun and I know for a fact that you can lose a lot of weight doing that 'cos I've done it before!

So yeah, there ya go, my new way of life. It's not a diet, it's just...life. I know once I start to look better I'll feel better and it'll just go on from there.

The Time Has Come

It's time for me to take control of my life and my weight problem. I have a gorgeous 12, nearly 13 year old son that I have to take care of and if I keep on the path I'm on right now? I won't be here to see him graduate high school. So ok I've had enough. I will no longer be slave to my tongue and eat just 'cos it tastes good. I know what my issues are and I will work through them, either here by confronting them or within myself. I mean I know why I don't control myself when it comes to food, I don't want men to be attracted to me because I am not ready to handle it if they were. I've never been ready to be honest, my exhusband was just easy to be around. So I'm going to have to learn to deal with all of this as I lose the weight. Starting tomorrow I am going to write down everything I eat and then explain why I ate it whether it be because I had to for fuel or because I was depressed or whatever, I have to be responsible for whatever I put in my huge gob. I've already got high blood pressure, though that's not due to the weight issues, it's my kidney's and that's due to taking so much Tylenol, because of my weight my joints hurt. So lose the weight, no more pain. It's all connected.

So there you have it, me changing my life. I think I'm gonna get one of those games for the 360, one of those dance games, that would be a fun work out! Plus we have the Kinect thing so.....way fun!

So ok it goes from being cold enough for the heat to still be on to me eyeing the air conditioner...in 2 days. Sunday night the heat kicked on, today it's mid 80z and really humid. I wish it would rain or that the humidity would just piss off. However, this is NOT me bitching about the heat, no, rather it's me bitching about fall one day and mid-summer the next. The flowers are all bloomin' though so I'm a happy girl as I adore flowers! I'm thinking of planting some here, even though it's an apartment there's a little bit of space to plant flowers. It looks pretty when there are flowers everywhere! The elderly people that live downstairs will love them and probably take care of them for me, not that I won't do that myself but I know they'll beat me to it! I think I'm gonna do this at the weekend! Get all sorts of pretty coloured flowers! Thing is, the area where I'm planting will flood if we get a massive storm...so I may want to find some sturdy flowers. Sturdy flowers that come in really pretty colours!

Very Sleepy and Tired and Exhausted...

Blog shall resume on Monday!!!

Reality...Really?

Reality tv, love it or hate it? Well which ever one it is it seems to be here to stay. Personally I hate it. There is no "reality" to most of it. I mean wtf cares about selfish people who live on the Jersey Shore? Who cares about housewives in any country enough to watch them for an hour per week? Is it really necessary for there to be a show where, at the end of the season, a man or woman gets married? Is that seriously how some people want to find a life mate? Now I won't lie and say I don't watch some shows because I do. Not many, ok three, and I consider them guilty pleasures but I will say that 2 out of the 3 at least take talent so that makes me feel less...icky...that I watch them. :o) Now if you like reality tv that's fine but I have to agree with quite a few musicians whom I've heard say that Pop/American Idol have ruined the music business. Why do I agree? Gone are the days when hard working, talented bands can work their collective asses off and get somewhere in the world...now all it takes is to be pretty or cute for little girls to vote for you and for you to get rich and famous. Gone are the days where you have to have actual talent. Lady Gaga may not be my cuppa but the girl's got talent and flash and an understanding of what to put out there that she can be proud of...she's definitely taken up for Madonna if you ask me. No it's kids like Justin B. who get on my last nerve. He's cute, he's got little girls wetting themselves over him but he goes and cuts his hair and they hate him? Tell me they didn't just like him 'cos he's cute, that they liked his music. I felt bad for the kid when that happened, a bit of reality biting him in the backside. I'm sure it doesn't keep him up at night and it sure does seem that he has a high opinion of himself. I remember when a certain singer on American Idol was told she'd never get anywhere because she was seen as "fat"...after winning countless grammy's, an Oscar, Golden Globe and other awards? I'm sure Jennifer Hudson isn't sweating what that idiot said to her. See it bugs me that women like her aren't given a chance, women or men, who have the talent just because they're not pretty enough. That pig Cowel kept putting that chick through who wore a bikini though and didn't have an iota of talent...yeah, whatever.

The shows I do watch are Dancing with the Stars, Project Runway and America's Next Top Model. The first two I feel vindicated in watching because DWTS, it takes something I sure as hell don't have to learn to dance! These stars, the majority of them have never danced like that before but they keep coming back, week after week, getting better and it's a pleasure to watch. Project Runway...it takes tremendous talent to make something a person can wear out of a swath of fabric. I can barely sew on a button or hem trousers and I do that by hand 'cos I haven't a bloody clue how to use a sewing machine! That one is my absolute favourite reality tv show! Ok ANTM isn't anything but a guilty pleasure but I've always been into fashion, hair, make up and stuff like that so it's just a natural for me to love this show. I do admit to missing the last 2 season's and that bugs me. How dare I miss them! Ok I do watch a lot of paranormal television and I guess those are reality television shows...Ghost Hunters, Ghost Adventures and Paranormal State are my favourite but PS is done now which makes me sad. Do I believe in that stuff? I sure as hell do! I've had my experiences with the paranormal but that's another blog. ;o) And do trust me that I watch these shows knowing that it could be faked but once in a while they shock you with what they show.

So yeah, reality tv bugs me 'cos it's usually anything but real...but like I said before, I guess it ain't goin' nowhere...bummer. Most of it should go far, far away.

A Time for Cheering?

Most of this country is celebrating, or at least cheering, the death of Osama Bin Laden. I won't lie and say I didn't cheer when I heard the news but then I have to admit that I felt strange. I mean it's just not normal to cheer the end of someone's life. I made myself feel a bit better by pointing out who it was, that he was a monster responsible for thousands of life's, and I felt vindicated. However, as time has gone on, I've felt that maybe I don't really have a right to cheer this death. I mean thankfully I didn't lose anyone, I didn't know anyone who was killed, I was lucky. However part deux, I vividly remember the absolute terror of not knowing if Chicago was going to be attacked next and whether or not the world would ever be a safe enough place for my then just turning 3 year old son. I did not let my son out of my arms that entire day, not even for a moment, he even went to the bathroom with me. That man caused me such fear and terror that all I could do was lay on the sofa and cry and shake and hold my son. So maybe I have a little bit of a right to cheer at least just the once for that.

I remember that day, as does everyone else, like it just happened. I remember sleeping late, we were late sleepers as my then husband worked second shift and our son always had to stay up to see daddy and daddy wanted a few moments to hang with his boy. Me and my son got up around 10:30am, I remember that my phone had been ringing off the hook but the answering machine's volume was turned down so I couldn't hear anything upstairs. I remember going downstairs with my toddler and turning our local PBS station on for him so he could be entertained whilst i made him his breakfast. Of course we know what was on tv at this time, nothing but news. I remember thinking the silly thought that who cares about Arnold Schwartsenegger's new film but it didn't take long for me to realise it wasn't a new film. It was reality, America's new reality. No longer were we to be innocent of terrorism, no longer were we to be innocent of what the real world can bring to your doorstep and I've had friends in other countries tell me that the main thing they felt for us was sorrow that our innocence had been taken from us. I remember calling my mother, asking her WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!??? but she didn't have much more information as I had. I wanted my husband to come home immediately but he couldn't and I remember that the city was evacuated. Chicago was a veritable ghost town. I remember all air planed were grounded, except for military jets so everytime I heard one I knew what it was and why it was there, sounding capable of keeping us safe. Everything was cancelled for a week, my husband didn't work for the rest of the week but got paid for it, and finally it started to sink in, what had happened. Seeing those towers come down over and over and over again pounded reality into your brain until you just couldn't take it any longer. I remember that there was a 2 year old girl flying with her dad on the flight that the passengers over-took and crashed in Pennsylvania and how it broke my heart that she'd lived only as long as my precious child, not nearly long enough. I was uncertain that my son had a future, that any of our children had a future or that the future of our world was safe. I remember not feeling that the President made us any safer or that his speech made me feel anything other than disgust. All he could do was chatter on and on like a dime-store cowboy, however I still think on that day, when he was in front of those children, he did as best as he could when he was told what happened. A lot of people thought he should have jumped up as if his arse were on fire, but in front of 5 year olds he held his cool and didn't traumatise them and for that he got points from me. Those were the only points he ever got from me of course. :o) I remember reaching out to my online friends and how they helped me get through the ensuing days, how we helped each other and calmed each other's fears. I'm still friends with those women.

So here it is, nearly exactly 10 years later and the man responsible for all of that has been killed and I still have to admit I have some problem cheering his death. I guess I'll have to deal with it within myself, give myself a break because I am only human. I may not have known anybody that was killed but a part of every single American was killed on that day. We grieved as a country. We were all effected directly be it by fear, uncertainty or anger. I watched some of the victims today on tv of that day and they seemed relieved that the monster is gone. That is enough for me. I've been disappointed in a man who I've admired and thought the world of for 30 years today as he twittered that he feels we shouldn't feel the need to celebrate the monster's death but what does he know about it? Did he know anyone who was killed? 'Cos seriously if he did? Then he has a right to spout off about how HE feels but he still has no right to tell other people that they're acting naive when they celebrate. Nobody has a right to belittle someone's right to heal as they see fit. Yesterday brought closure, an end, to the on-going pain of the victims. I saw on tv today the children who were in utero or just born on or after 9-11 who grew up without a father because he was killed, it's so hard to realise that they're 9 years old now, soon to be turning 10.

::sigh:: So time moves again. The end of a story has arrived, occured and is the past now. Buried at sea so the sharks can eat him and crap him out so he can then lay on the bottom of the ocean. Perfect if you ask me, very much as he deserves.

WOW!

So, just as everyone else in the United States right this very moment, I'm watching the news and it's been announced that Osama Bin Laden has been killed. Can everyone say P A R T Y ?!!!! Holy shit it's about time! And on the 8 year anniversary of Bush proclaiming "Mission Accomplished"...moron that he was I bet he's sitting at home with that smirky frown of his...bad-mouthing President Obama. Well all I can say is, did HE find Bin Laden and have him executed? Uh no, he never came close. Republican's always say how soft President Obama is on terror, well how do ya like him now?!! HA! I love this! More to follow tomorrow when I'm not half asleep!!

Info...

I did want to say that I took the photo above...up there...the pretty flowers! I can't believe how gorgeous it looks! I love photography and am debating on whether or not I'm going to go take classes...it'll depend on how expensive it is. I took a few photo's today as it was FINALLY warm and sunny outside! Well for a while anyway, it's back to being cold and dreary again. ::sigh:: Anywhoo.....just wanted to say the photo's I post will be mine, mostly. I may steal some off the net that I love! I have an addiction to flowers though, so that's gonna be a main theme. Or the only theme.

Can You Believe!?

So ok, religion, not a subject for polite company but this is my blog so I figure I have to blog about it. Now please take time to remember that not only is this My blog, its MY OPINION as well. I do not expect anyone to agree with me but if they do? Cool. I wanted to start this blog off with a BANG!! So, onward Christian soldiers! ;o)


I was brought up Roman Catholic. I was forced to attend CCD classes ( as they were called back then) but only went as far as my First Holy Communion. I was always left wondering who I was communing with to be honest, I mean I was always confused about who we were praying to: God or Jesus? Were they the same? I thought God was Jesus' father...so...confusion, see? So anyway I was, when a child, horrified at the figure suffering on the cross and I didn't understand why he was hanging there and didn't connect the dots provided by the church that he died for my sins. I was 7, had I sinned? How had I sinned? What had been my sin? Ok maybe I could grasp being mean to my little brother but seriously, if God/Jesus had him for a little brother they'd definitely grant me loads of slack on that one. I have to say that at my age now, 43, what is sin? I mean all the crap you hear from people on what sin is? Seriously? Like I highly doubt masturbation is a sin. It makes us giggle and snicker to talk about it be really, EVERYONE masturbates. So if that's a sin are we ALL going to hell? What a party that's gonna be! Is it temptation that God, in his/her infinite wisdom, bestowed upon us? Did God wire us for pleasure only to make it a sin and therefore not to be polluting heaven with our soul's? See these are the silly things that race through my brain about certain things. Moving on from self-pleasuring now...coveting. Isn't that another sin? Do you mean to tell me just about everyone who lives in an American suburb is going to hell? I mean isn't it true that in the 'burbs that once one person gets like a new car then everyone else on the block has to go out and get a new, bigger, more expensive car? Isn't that coveting? Or is that different? Is that greed, yet another sin? Or is it envy? SIN SIN SIN! Can we even get away from sin? I would think that it would take something like being locked in a padded room, complete with straight jacket, to be sin-free!

One thing that gets me about overly religious people is how judgy they are. The one's I've met. I won't say every single really religious person out there is judgy, I don't have a brush to paint that broad a statement. I will narrow it down to the really super religious people that I've met personally here so please keep that in mind. JUDGY! Why is it ok for them to be so judgy? Why do they think that how they believe is the one and only way? Did God come down and tell them that they're absolutely, 100% right? I must have missed that. Oh and my god are they GREEDY! (again, the people that I've met) They hate freely and they hate deeply and passionately. They hate anyone who doesn't believe as they do, they hate those who are different. They want to shove their beliefs down everyone's throats until we all choke. I'm sorry but do they think that's the way to "heaven"? If it is? Please let me go elsewhere! I do NOT want to spend an enternity with asshats like that! I also don't get how they follow the bible as absolute fact and think that it should be followed as fact. I mean wasn't it written in a dead language that we have no real way of knowing 100% whether or not we're TRANSLATING it correctly? Don't you think that people who spoke that language would have a different way of speaking to how we speak and therefore, saying it took 6 days to create the world? Maybe that's not exactly how it was written but just a translation? Maybe it was 6 millennia? I mean sure, there are some things in the bible that we should probably incorporate into our every day lives, such as live and let live and judge NOT lest ye be judged. That's a good one most people on this planet would do good to keep in mind.

On the other side of things I don't get are "atheists" and all I can say about that? The second something terrible happens in their life? Yeap, they're praying. I often wonder just who they're praying to since they insist there is no God. Look I don't know if there's a God or not, but it wouldn't surprise me to find out that yes, there is one and in my heart I do believe there is one. Maybe more, if I have to be honest. I just find "devout atheists" to be just as judgy and skewed in their views as the over religious to be. They have this belief that if you do believe in God that you're simple or just plain stupid, that's not very open minded, as they insist that they are. I think the worst i ever got was when I was agnostic. I questioned. I didn't know if there was a God but I wasn't going to close my mind to the possibility that there could be. Look all I know is anytime I've ever prayed things have gone well. It could be that "Prayer" is nothing more than centering yourself and putting positive energy out into the world and having it come back to you but it could also be that someone was listening and helped me out. My Grandmother was a very religious person but not in a judgy way at all. Actually I'd say she was more spiritual that religious. She was one of two truly spiritual people I've ever met in my entire life. She was the sort who would help a total stranger no matter if it was to give them money for the bus, or to give them a place to sleep or to help someone get sober. She did it all. She wanted her family to be spiritual as she was but accepted that we just weren't. She didn't judge us. I do believe that some of her belief has stuck with me through out my life and even when I questioned I had certain faith because of her. She was a very strong force in my life, she shaped a lot of who I am. She wasn't perfect but I don't think she ever strove to be, she was Grandma. She taught me kindness, tolerance and how to love and how to have faith.

So I guess my wishiest wish would be for people to find tolerance. I know it won't happen in my lifetime, probably not even in my son's either, but maybe one day. We still war over religion, who's God is better and that is just such bullshit. To hate someone because of which God they bend knee to, or because of sexual orientation? Is that "Godly"? Is that what God wants us to learn and is that what God wants us to proceed with? The Catholic Church does preach about a forgiving God, well what sort of God would put the "gay" into people and not be ok with it? I have 2 cousins who are gay, one I was completely shocked to find out about when he came out and the other one? I remember thinking when I was about 5 that he crushed on boys the same way as I did, and he was only 7 so it's not as if he "learned" it or "decided" to be gay at that age. Kids just don't make choices like that. So that's why I always knew it was something he was born with, like I was born with the definite love for boys! ;o) Oh and how those religious people love to beat up on gay people!! There's that judgy thing again! I would also point out that there is a certain political party who also beat up on gay people and are very judgy and believe that we have to all believe as they do, but that's another blog topic....and trust me, that rant is coming soon enough!

So what I don't get most about religion is the intolerance. Something that should bring people together, teach us about how to love one another, does nothing but tear us apart. Maybe it's just organised religion I can't understand? I often wonder if we just did away with Churches such as they are if the world wouldn't be a better place? I dunno, I'm just a chick who sometimes thinks too hard about things she shouldn't. And this chick is now tired of typing so I'm done. Finis. Ciao!